Losing my will to Live

  log-cabin-snowy-lapland1 I cannot carry on like this anymore.  I cannot talk to people.  I cannnot sit still unless it is bed time and I take my medication.  This is no life.  So many months now.  No desire.  No hope.  No dreams.  No energy to carry forth.

I have another med check this Monday.  So what the fuck do i do.  I have been on so many different drugs now.

roots-of-a-tree-bark-ajaytao-11I THINK that the drugs have made my already anxiety and depression worse.  i sometimes can barely walk.
This coming from a man who a year ago worked out 4 times a week and walked 12 miles a week.  Now I cringe when the phone rings.  I just want to die and I do not want to die.  My dear friends call me and all  I can say to them is “yes” or “no”.  My god where are you now.  Where were for Robin.  Were you there???  Are you here???
I don’t want to take care of myself anymore.  ten months of depression and panic/anxiety attacks have sucked the life right out of me.  House bound for the past couple of months.  Don’t go anywhere because I cannot sit still.
mystical-clouds-ajaytaoI say nothing.  I feel nothing but pain.  Crushing pain in my head.  Anxiety and then more anxiety.  I lay down to rest and come to in a panic.  What have I done to myself is the question I keep asking myself.  Where did I go.
Who am I now.  I operate for about 12 hours in a day.  Mostly just staring at the TV or reading blogs about getting better.  I am sick of this.  I will not let me go.  So I have just let it do what it wants.  It wants me dead.  So I can have peace.
123 RV, SA, JW, PA, RW, PH, JM, JB, TN

6 thoughts on “Losing my will to Live

  1. You need to get treatment, if medication alone isn’t helping then you should check yourself into the hospital. I’m not going to say it will be easy, but it is better than the alternative.

  2. It sounds so rough Willem. IMO, there are other routes to healing than meds. Meds did not work for me either.

    Hang in there. Everything changes. You will feel better. Expressing yourself here is a good step.

  3. If you have friends, than that means there are people who care about you and would miss you if you committed suicide. You should talk to a therapist or a friend about how you are feeling. If you still feel really bad, you should go to the hospital.

  4. I am so very sorry you are suffering so terribly. I know your pain is real and not bearable. You do not need to suffer like this as there definitely are solutions to chronic and severe depression with proper evaluation and treatment. This is the key and what you need. What you are taking, have taken, is not working. This happens. The good news is this eliminates from the treatment options the approaches that haven’t worked. There are many more treatment options for stubborn and severe depression. You need a totally new approach, multi-pronged approach. Either call 911, go to an ER, or call your psychiatrists 24 on call service NOW. Take the steps you need to take to get better and you will. I will be hoping for you.

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