I am so ashamed of my self. For being nothing. For letting my life slide through my hands. I feel responsible for this depression and anxiety. Fall is coming and I am scared. I feel like I cannot go on. I will not let anybody in.
I think of death all the time. Of the wasted life. I cannot see a future. Fear that after 59 years, would could it look like if this is what is now and seemingly always have been. Have not walked into my office in 8 months. Really have not had any human contact for over a couple of weeks. I have nothing to say when int he company of others. I have let my body go. I Lay in bed for hours, hoping to wake up dead. I am in the middle of closing a real estate deal and feel like I cannot get it done. I look at myself in the mirror and I see horrible things looking back. Nothing but horror. I do not want to see anybody. I feel dead. Fucking pills have ruined me. Somebody help. Somebody.
I need to help myself. Where to turn. Robin killing himself has me terrified. I am so empty on the inside. I stay in my house and the it just grows. I am not want this. I want to be and yet I do not know what will fill me up.
People say to learn to just sit with it. Where. I cannot stand my insides. Failure upon failure. And now addiction to medicines the doctors gave me to get better and I am not better. I am worse. I am weak. Mentally and physically. Friends are checking into pysche wards left and right. I can barely look anybody in the eyes. Don’t want them to see my pain.. I do not want to hear just pull yourself up by your boot straps. I do want my family to suffer from my killing myself and yet I do not want to see them. I need fellowship and stopped seeking it. I am fucked up and become more fucked up each day. I do not know where this rambling is going. Nowhere. I am nowhere. I see people talking on their cells phones all day long and I cannot imagine what the fuck they are talking about. All my interests in this life have left me. Everyday I want to die and will not pull the trigger. Walking down the street has become more that I can handle. I want out and I want out . Please GODS, help me to find and feel a purpose.
Please. help me. A purpose. A purpose. Something besides thinking about my own misery. Just anything. I have such anxiety I cannot be around anyone. I just want to run. I have run out of places to run. And talk about lack of acceptance. I need to accept that I am emotionally ill right now have been for months. Dear GODS.
I cant listen to music. How can a musician no longer stand to hear music. It reminds of time gone by. When I felt better.
When I was in the world. When I was in the world. I feel like I can no longer take care of myself. Barely get in and out a grocery store. And I dont cook. Just anything I can stuff into my mouth. Fuck I am pissed.
This is not what god wants for me. Please purpose arrive at my house in my soul and in my heart.
It feel today that I have never had one fucking thing to live off except fear. What shall I do with the next moments of this day. Where do I turn. Do not want to be alone anymore and cannot stand to see people alive when I am not.
I just am not alive.
This is Willem 3655 saying to the universe help me to get the fuck out of myself. It has been months and months since I last laughed. I so miss laughing. Universe hear me beckon you and come to me and I will answer.
Please say a prayer for the Fanatic too!
P.S. This blog was written by Willem3655. He writes here, the Fanatic write here, and I, shoe1000, write here. We are not all the same person!