Hoping to Wake Up Dead!

peaks-in-the-sky-ajaytaoI am so ashamed of my self.  For being nothing.  For letting my life slide through my hands.  I feel responsible for this depression and anxiety.  Fall is coming and I am scared.  I feel like I cannot go on.  I will not let anybody in.
I think of death all the time.  Of the wasted life.  I cannot see a future.  Fear that after 59 years, would could it look like if this is what is now and seemingly always have been.  Have not walked into my office in 8 months.  Really have not had any human contact for over a couple of weeks.  I have nothing to say when int he company of others. I have let my body go.  I Lay in bed for hours, hoping to wake up dead.  I am in the middle of closing a real estate deal and feel like I cannot get it done.  I look at myself in the mirror and I see horrible things looking back.  Nothing but horror.  I do not want to see anybody. I feel dead. Fucking pills have ruined me. Somebody help.  Somebody.
387043_348007145280307_766454822_nI need to help myself.  Where to turn.  Robin killing himself has me terrified.  I am so empty on the inside.  I stay in my house and the it just grows.  I am not want this.   I want to be and yet I do not know what will fill me up.
People say to learn to just sit with it.  Where.  I cannot stand my insides.  Failure upon failure.  And now addiction to medicines the doctors gave me to get better and I am not better.  I am worse.  I am weak.  Mentally and physically.  Friends are checking into pysche wards left and right.  I can barely look anybody in the eyes.  Don’t want them to see my pain.. I do not want to hear just pull yourself up by your boot straps.  I do want my family to suffer from my killing myself and yet I do not want to see them. on-his-eternal-journey-ajaytao1I  need fellowship and stopped seeking it.  I am fucked up and become more fucked up each day.  I do not know where this rambling is going.  Nowhere.  I am nowhere.  I see people talking on their cells phones all day long and I cannot imagine what the fuck they are talking about.  All my interests in this life have left me.  Everyday I want to die and will not pull the trigger.   Walking down the street has become more that I can handle.  I want out and I want out .  Please GODS, help me to find and feel a purpose.
saifee-hospital-ajaytaoPlease. help me.  A purpose.  A purpose.  Something besides thinking about my own misery.  Just anything.  I have such anxiety I cannot be around anyone.  I just want to run.  I have run out of places to run.  And talk about lack of acceptance.  I need to accept that I am emotionally ill right now have been for months.  Dear GODS.
get-attachment-13-e1379888216160I cant listen to music.  How can a musician no longer stand to hear music.  It reminds of time gone by.  When I felt better.
When I was in  the world.  When I was in the world.  I feel like I can no longer take care of myself.  Barely get in and out a grocery store.  And I dont cook.  Just anything I can stuff into my mouth.  Fuck I am pissed.
This is not what god wants for me.  Please purpose arrive at my house in my soul and in my heart.
  It feel today that I have never had one fucking thing to live off except fear.  What shall I do with the next moments of  this day. Where do I turn.  Do not want to be alone anymore and cannot stand to see people alive when I am not.
I just am not alive.
This is Willem 3655 saying to the universe help me to get the fuck out of myself.  It has been months and months since I last laughed.  I so miss laughing.  Universe hear me beckon you and come to me and I will answer.
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Please say a prayer for the Fanatic too!
P.S. This blog was written by Willem3655.  He writes here, the Fanatic write here, and I, shoe1000, write here.  We are not all the same person!
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11 thoughts on “Hoping to Wake Up Dead!

  1. Sometimes I want to say fuck it.
    Sometimes Iwant to let the demons out and run around and kill people that I feel harmed me in my life. Sometimes the adrenal from the visual horror in my minds eye makes me feel alive.
    Sometimes I just want to go numb.
    Sometimes I don’t want to go to school to become a suit.
    Sometimes I just want to lay in bed all day.
    Sometimes I want to kill myself.
    No not sometimes, a lot. I know that I am tethered to my children; my children are my life savers in this sea of madness.
    They give me hope even though most of the time I push them away.
    Robin Williams has proven to me that if I was to kill myself people would hurt. The people that love me when I cannot love myself.
    My dark mental cell has a small light of hope today.
    I just want to be normal.

  2. I have wanted to die so many times. I have prayed to die. I have tried to stop breathing. But now I am glad to be alive. Don’t know how long this will last. I, too, stayed locked up inside the house. Order groceries online. I am married so I do talk to someone and email two people and do my blog. That is pretty much my dealings with the outside world. I will definitely pray for you. I will wish you a ray of hope. Look how sad the world is over Robin Williams’ death. Choose life. Things can get better. Try to do one thing a day that will do something good to yourself. Even if it is just doing sit ups. Start small with something you used to love. Or something that used to feel good. I hope I am not saying all the wrong things to you– I hope you will not say I am full of shit. But you are paralyzed and need to do one little step to shake off the paralysis. Just one little thing to start with… Things can get better.

      • Willem, I know that is not a little thing and I am so very happy. I know sometimes one is too depressed to even press the “like” button, let alone comment. Knowing that your comment is a big thing and is very much appreciated. Someone once said to me “baby steps”. But if even those are too hard I hope you will get help like Kitt suggested. I sent you something on NAMI– it is a wonderful organization. You are in my prayers. If I can presume to send you a hug, I do, Ellen

        On Thu, Aug 14, 2014 at 8:48 AM, I Dont Want To Talk About It wrote:

        > willem3655 commented: “one little thing. for me right now is thanking > you for your very kind words” >

  3. Recovery from depression is possible. I know what it feels like to want the pain to end. Please choose life. Please call a crisis line or go to an emergency room if you must. Please get help. For us, if not for yourselves. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. I wanted to share with the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill ( NAMI)’s response to Robin Williams’ suicide:

    Remembering Robin Williams

    Dear Friends,

    Like many of you, when I first heard the news about Robin Williams’ death I felt a great sense of disbelief. As an entertainer, he transcended generations and genres to delight and inspire millions of people. He devoted his life to bringing joy and laughter to others, so it’s no surprise that he touched so many people so profoundly.

    Like so many, I was surprised at how much of an effect his loss had on me. I remember watching Robin with my children. He was a welcome and familiar face whose almost child-like enthusiasm connected with all of us. He brought compassion and humanity to his dramatic roles —his portrayal of a psychiatrist in Good Will Hunting is my all-time favorite.

    As someone who gave so much of himself to others, Robin struggled privately with addiction and severe depression which can distort your thinking and make a period of depression feel endless.

    The truth is that we don’t talk enough about depression. If you are worried for yourself, a friend or a loved one simply talking about it can be helpful. Learning the signs, symptoms and treatment options about depression and other mental health conditions is a place to start. You can visit http://www.nami.org or call the NAMI HelpLine at (800) 850-NAMI for information and support. If you are in crisis, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK (8255).

    We all deal with loss in different ways. Some of us might have watched Robin Williams’ movies yesterday or remembered a time we saw perform. Others spoke about how depression had affected them and how they related to him. Almost as soon as the news broke many NAMI supporters made memorial donations in honor of “Robin” or “Mork” or even “O Captain! My Captain.” Others were inspired to call the NAMI HelpLine to volunteer.

    Mental illness can be isolating. But it doesn’t have to be. When we talk about mental illness, depression and suicide we inform each other about how to help.

    Robin Williams will be missed. We wish him peace. We offer our condolences and thoughts to his family as we say goodbye to a fearless and beloved entertainer.

    Dr. Ken Duckworth
    Medical Director, NAMI

    Perhaps contacting NAMI might give you a boost, some hope.

  5. Oh dear Wilem. I am late on this post as you know where I was. I know deep in my heart and emotional self just what you are going through. I do not have answers, only a slight bit of hope for you. I have stood on bridges, I have sat in my hallway counting pills. This is so painful and exhausting. Just know everyone is here for you esp the fanatic and shoe. It’s a cliche to say if I can do it, you can do it. Please keep going and reaching out. It may only change your circumstances a little, but it can sometimes chip away at the pain. Maybe you can find just one song that you once loved. And if you can’t, that’s okay. Hugs to you Willem!!

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