” Fear is aggressivity in reverse.”

god-epiphany All my adult life I have relied on my aggressiveness to get me places where I wanted to go. Whether it was climbing the corporate ladder when I worked in the winery or going to college and competing there, and especially as an attorney. Yet there are situations in a couple of relationships in my life where I need to tap into that aggressiveness again.  These two relationships are with people who I lived my life with, and for, for a long time. Who they are I won’t bring to this blog. I don’t believe in airing out my “dirty laundry,” with anyone else in this forum.

If I need to whine I’ll go to a meeting.

It’s so true in life that virtually all of my fears are related to or directly a result of me needing to either do something or not do something. I think some of the worst decisions I made in the depths of my depression before I was diagnosed were some of the ways that I tried to create wealth.

lake-wanaka-otago-region-new-zealandIt wasn’t that I was not logical, it’s that I was too aggressive. I was trying to hard to try to fill that hole with material wealth. I accept responsibility for a lot of decisions that because of  my over aggressiveness were harmful to me and my family economically in the last 10 years.

“Consequently, the thing we are afraid of involves a task” When I read this quote I really got pissed off. I have always relied on that aggressiveness with my mouth and my intellect, usually manifested in writing or arguing in front of the court, to get my needs met.  It is not that my aggressiveness didn’t cost me also.

But I digress. I am going to have to go through a couple of legal processes that are going to force me to do things that I really don’t look forward to doing.  One thing that I’ve learned  recently is that I have a huge “mother complex.” This means that when times get tough and there’s a significant female in my life I will virtually cower to them or try to dominate them.

ladtjovagge-valley-laplandIn one of my classes this semester, actually the one that I’m finishing the paper on right now, I’ve had to look at this part of me and it can be and in this moment is very uncomfortable to deal with.

This is a huge part of my shadow energy. That part of me that I don’t like. And it’s not that I don’t like anything about anyone else,(although I sure want to project my shame onto them,)  it’s that I don’t like it about me.

I can’t be who I am when this complex is triggered. I can’t be honest, with you, or with me when this complex is triggered.

lapland-people-and-reindeer-1“If you are afraid of your own thoughts, then your thoughts are the task.”

So I am being given a challenge through my coursework and in real life to deal with my thoughts. Unlike many analytical people, I don’t believe that I can control my emotions. I think if I’m lucky at best I can manage my response to them. So I’m going to be faced with the fear that has covertly been such a big part of me  life.  It is just that it has overtly been in my face the last four years and it is something that I need to take steps to be able to work through it so it doesn’t make me hide from you and really deep down, hide from me!

Quotes from Carl Jung; Letters Volume 1; Page 507

123 RV, SA, JW, RW, PA!

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