This is the part of my life where the sometimes overwhelming struggle presents itself. When I’m not centered, this is the part of my life where I continually look outside of myself. So often in my life I have looked at it from the perspective of always being something wrong with me. That’s what leads me to looking at my life as being some sort of tragedy.
The discussion above ties directly into my inability to not leave claw marks on all the things that I thought I needed in the world to be okay. Yes the things in life that have been removed from me.
I don’t like having to let go, as it is not comfortable for me. It is not something I would chosen for myself. Much of depression for me is the inability to look beyond the paradigm of life that I have lived in for the past half century or more. I am really feeling some deep underlying stirring as I write this but dont know how to express it here at this time.
I think that this all ties in together in that I always believed that if I did something really powerful with my mind and showed you how much smarter I am than the average bear that you would love me the way I “needed” to be loved. I have friends who are going through this phase of their life and they are lost, bewildered, feeling so alone that death is sometimes a better option to them. I dont fault them, as they are only doing what they have known to do their whole life. Protect their pain, at ALL costs, including the ultimate way to protect our pain.
Hell, I’m still in the middle of the fog, on the journey, in the depths, and struggling to make sense out of it all. Why, because I don’t want to die. And yet I don’t feel I have a fucking clue on knowing how to live.
Quotes from the beautiful, late soul, David Foster Wallace.
Thanks for all of your support. I hate to be so brazen but I am going to be. If you read this, could you please either comment or “like,” it. I dont feel like I am reaching anyone any more and I need to know that someone out there hears me. The loneliness feels like I am the wolf below.
123 RV, SA, PA, RW, MM, PH, JM, SM, TN and me!