“Try to learn to let what is unfair teach you.”

20140227-143918.jpg   This is the part of my life where the sometimes overwhelming struggle presents itself. When I’m not centered, this is the part of my life where I continually look outside of myself. So often in my life I have looked at it from the perspective of always being something wrong with me. That’s what leads me to looking at my life as being some sort of tragedy.

girl-crying“Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.”

The discussion above ties directly into my inability to not leave claw marks on all the things that I thought I needed in the world to be okay.  Yes the things in life that have been removed from me.

I don’t like having to let go, as it is not comfortable for me. It is not something I would chosen for myself.  Much of depression for me is the inability to look beyond the paradigm of life that I have  lived in for  the past half century or more.  I am really feeling some deep underlying stirring as I write this but dont know how to express it here at this time.

dead-pier-seattle-matthew-woodget“The parts of me that used to think I was different or smarter or whatever, almost made me die.”

I think that this all ties in together in that I always believed that if I did something really powerful with my mind and showed you how much smarter I am than the average bear that you would love me the way I “needed” to be loved.  I have friends who are going through this phase of their life and they are lost, bewildered, feeling so alone that death is sometimes a better option to them.  I dont fault them, as they are only doing what they have known to do their whole life.  Protect their pain, at ALL  costs, including the ultimate way to protect our pain.

542518_4371367845415_1896363862_nHell, I’m still in the middle of the fog, on the journey, in the depths, and struggling to make sense out of it all. Why, because I don’t want to die. And yet I don’t  feel I have a fucking clue on  knowing how to live.

Quotes from the beautiful, late soul, David Foster Wallace.

Thanks for all of your support.  I hate to be so brazen but I am going to be.  If you read this, could you please either comment or “like,” it.  I dont feel like I am reaching anyone any more and I need to  know that  someone out there hears me.    The loneliness feels like I am the wolf below.

123 RV, SA, PA, RW, MM, PH, JM, SM, TN and me!

howling-wolf-img_assist_custom-600x594

 

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16 thoughts on ““Try to learn to let what is unfair teach you.”

  1. “And yet I don’t feel I have a fucking clue on knowing how to live.”

    Never be the source of anyone’s misfortune and never pass up an opportunity to perform a charitable act. This is a start. If you do just these 2 things you have lived a worthwhile life.

  2. I hear you and see you. I think that you are closer to the right path than ever before. That life that you let go that torments you was never what I saw as you. Lawyer, fancy house in the bay area was just not what I heard in your young voice which I still remember. You belong on that mountain, with a simple life with meaning. I pray that it gets easier. Remember – ” I can’t go on; I go on.”

  3. Willem hears you. I know that the loneliness is a cry for help. Into a simply way of regarding my place in this world.
    Just simply. And with joy. I to have always wanted to be a symbol of something, and I guess this depression is that that does not work for me. Love for us al 123

  4. Hi, I’m Johnny, Lisa’s husband. I recently started following you, so I am not very familiar with your blog, but this post really resonates with me. Depression is the most confusing monster of all. It tells us lies that seem believable after so much time passes. I would love to say that it can be tuned out or ignored, but the truth is that we have to ride it out no matter how long it holds us in its grasp. Life will come to you again, along with your sense of purpose. It is the only kind of race that we don’t have to wear ourselves out trying to win; it yields no matter what sort of fight we put up. I hope you find peace in your storm and keep your chin up. Keep writing; depression hates it when we talk it out.

  5. I read almost everything you post (I say almost because occasionally I get so busy that it’s impossible to keep up). I’m actually going to write a post about this soon, but it’s often difficult for me to exert the energy to ‘like’ or comment on things, or remember to, or not get distracted while I’m meaning to. So know that even if we don’t all get to engage as much as we’d like, we’re still here and listening, and we still care=]

  6. Of course I hear you. I’m going to be radical here and suggest something. You know that I’m a former victim of depression. I honestly believe that were you to change the tone of your writing it would help. I believe words are extremely powerful and our own words even more so. What would happen if instead of every post highlighting your depression, you were to start writing about something else? Something more positive. Rumination isn’t helpful. While depression is complex, as with all things complex, the antidote is usually some simple first steps.The constant analyzing of ourselves and our emotions is counterproductive. I’ve known many people with depression and with each one of them, I’ve noticed how they exacerbate their depression by their own words. Anyway, it’s a thought. God bless. (Hope I didn’t offend-wasn’t my purpose.)

    • Rebecca,
      With all due respect, I find the comment to be dismissive. If you are a “former,” sufferer, then I would think you could empathize with what I and many others experience. I have friends who want to die today, close friends. Should I just tell them to stop doing what they are doing? Stop being in a place that you cant get out of. How disrespectful would that be to them?
      I write about a lot of different things as I am studying again. But this blog is about Depression in sobriety. I have struggled to stay alive the last seven years of my life. To be told to think about writing about “something more positive,” seems condescending.
      I would gladly trade shoes with you. However I am not there. I appreciate your support tremendously. Sometimes I dont appreciate the unsolicited advice.

  7. Jim, When I first started blogging, I, too, received some unwelcome advice. About a year later, I was writing a post when I remembered the remark and realized the author of this remark was correct. It changed the way I wrote after that.

    Surely, you know from reading my blog that I know what serious depression looks like. You also know that I’ve included the steps I used to find mental health again. Most of them were really simple. That’s not to say they were easy. I cannot begin to tell you hard I had to look deep within myself to find the answers. It was grueling.
    Even this past week, I had to go back and do the “work”, again.

    I will not offer my opinion anymore unless you make it clear you are asking for feedback. For me, i appreciate people disagreeing with me and confronting me. Sometimes it IS garbage. More times than not, there has been some truth I needed to hear. (And, no, I’m not making some backhanded remark here. 🙂 )

    God bless and I hope better times are coming for you.
    .

  8. I am here for you. The remarks about not focusing on the depression depress me– as a judgement. I think it is therapeutic to write about one’s feelings and have others with similar problems relate. I could be wrong here. Of course, it would be good to write about uplifting things but sometimes one just can’t. It is this old thing about if we just tried harder, we wouldn’t be depressed. Anyhow I remember how you were there for me some days ago when I was really down and I want to extend my hand to you now. It can get better. It can get easier. It takes time and work and med based therapy and caring. {{Hugs}}, Ellen

  9. A very beautiful expression of what it feels like to not know or understand why. Here comes a little of my understanding through my studies of numerology and astrology. First, in A.A. the “Let go and let God”, can mean that one will be blessed in due time to overcome a particular phase in life. In astrology, there is a planetary aspect in each of our charts of “Pluto”, the god of the underworld, death, rebirth, transformation. Thus, when one studies one’s own Pluto placement, the house and degree, one in due time comes to understand what part of one’s life one is destined to a great transformation. Further, there is a transiting Pluto from the place of one’s birth aspect, through each of the houses (signs) that takes many years, wherein not only one as an individual, but the whole world experiences the death of old structures in one’s life. For those who are too attached to something (where one’s sign of Taurus is and any aspects within the sign of Taurus, second house of what one owns. The polarity house Scorpio what one shares with others, and what one is to come to understand in due time, what one must depend on others to receive). This Yoga, or polarity is about what one values, and if one values it too much, it may be taken away. Scorpio is about jealousies, around sex, power, and money. Right now Saturn will be retrograding about mid-2015 go from Sagittarius back into Scorpio to address these issues wherever this yoga is in one’s personal chart, marital chart, residence chart and any other important chart in one’s life. So there will be a multitude of levels that one will have to use one’s inner eye to ponder. Any thing that is not useful for one’s growth is often taken away (and in retrospect it is truly a blessing in disguise. From the age of 4 I lived in various foster homes, my father was an entertainer. I never had anything but what could be packed in a suitcase, basically. But the lessons I learned was what not to do in my life. Further lessons for me was to see how other families and their various practices of spirituality unfolded, I was a Catholic in Protestant homes, every one of the homes made me convert to their religion. When I studied numerology for both my maiden name and married name, I found that I had various numbers that explained why the experiences in my life were necessary, why it was that I was destined to be nonattached, so that I could go deeper into my life as a spiritual being to learn the hidden secrets of life that are hidden by the appearances of our family, cultural, and educational socialization. As we let go of the majority of our socialization, we come to see the world differently, we come to see ourselves differently. That is the true resurrection of the resurrection story. Easter, is the real new year, when we come to the rebirth, the resurrection from the death of our old self. The journey as you well know is a process, it does not as you well know happen immediately. You are certainly better than you were in 2010, and hopefully you embrace those moments that do give you joy!!!!!!

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