“Hell is when the depths come to you…”

dsc09622“…with all that you no longer are or are not yet capable of.”

Well isn’t that the truth. Went to my favorite meeting this morning and I got to listen to some of my friends talk about what they’re no longer capable of.  That’s a problem for us in general and  for me in particular. When I started on this journey over 3 1/2 years ago I had no idea that I was going to be faced with the realities of who I know longer could be and what I could no longer do.

dsc09201If you read the “About,” section of this blog you see that I thought that once I got the medications that everything was going to be fine. Little did I know that the medications were really not going to help me and if anything they were going to hurt me.   Because when I was on the medications I thought that I was going to be able to be “normal,” again.  Little did I know that the insanity that I had been living in for at least the last 10 years of my life was not going to go away no matter what medications I took.
That’s how strong my denial is. I thought if I put something in my body that it was going to make my mind “well,” again. I did not realize that had I continued on with my “normal,” life I may not have committed suicide but I damn sure would have suffered a lot more then I have.

dsc04616“Hell is when you can no longer attain what you could attain.”

I have never experienced the sense of helplessness, hopelessness, uselessness, and worthlessness that I experienced when the depression was so severe that I could not even get out of my own bed. I have friends of mine today who struggle with it as much as I have and sometimes can still do. I got up really early this morning to drive to have coffee with a friend and I spoke about what I was experiencing upon arising.   I didn’t want to get up. It’s not that I didn’t want to get out of bed, it’s that I had no psychic energy to be here.  I didn’t want to live anymore.

That’s why this blog is titled what it is titled. I can’t do what I did yesterday and I damn sure don’t want to tell you that I can no longer keep my nose to the grindstone. I can no longer get back in the race. I can no longer keep up with the Jones’. I can no longer attain what I attained before.

dsc08992“Hell is when you must think and feel and do everything that you know you do not want.”

I don’t want to feel the despair of not wanting to exist anymore. I don’t want to feel the loneliness and isolation that comes about when the depression is so strong that I hide my head in shame.  I don’t want to have to work my ass off to go get my license back to practice law. I don’t want to deal with the assholes in the world who want to say that because I’m not well, that I’m sick, but that there’s really something fucking wrong with me. I was watching Joe Pantalones today talk about the stigma of what we carry because we have this cultural dis-ease.  We, the ones who carry the disease of the culture are burdened with external crap of many saying there is something “wrong,” with us.  We have to carry the collective’s shame.   This is above and beyond the internal brutalization that comes about when you suffer like we do.

Screw them.

123 RV, SA, JW, PA, RW, PH, TN, BC, JM.

All quotes by Carl Jung

dsc06781

All the photos come from my friend Cindy Knokes’ blog.  There are some amazing photographs on her blog.

When I was looking at these beautiful photographs, I thought of heaven,(which for me is a wonder full metaphor for somewhere “better,” than here, ) and then these Jung quotes come up today from a web site I follow.  I thought that this would be a perfect tension of the beauty of the photos juxtaposed to the words from Jung to  point out the paradox of the what the suppression of the shadow  versus the reaching to this beautiful glorious, mythical place is like.

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4 thoughts on ““Hell is when the depths come to you…”

  1. It is a wonderful juxtaposition and I am a devotee of Jung. Did you know he had a near death experience as a very young man, was clinically dead and from this experience came his deep interest in the connectedness between all people, our common or collective unconscious, and the his sense that human consciousness is eternal and one. He broke with Freud over his non-rational pragmatist revelations. I think he saw a dark Hindu man in a temple when he died and wanted to stay with him and learn, but I am not sure of that and would need to double check. Your connection of my photos with Jung who I admire greatly is a example of his synchronicity, and coincidence that has profound meaning.

  2. “I don’t want to have to work my ass off to go get my license back to practice law.”

    I hear you. But, I’m going to guess that if law was something that really spoke to your soul, no amount of hard work would deter you. It’s not in you anymore. And I really get that. That’s how I feel about my old biotech career. It was quite pragmatic of me to take such a stable, fairly lucrative career. But I had NO idea that when I left with what was only supposed to be a temporary hiatus, I really cut the ties to that identity and it’s a dead path. It’s not the re-education I have to struggle with, but the internal resistance in me that says – “no, this isn’t where you are supposed to be”. But if that’s true, where the hell am I SUPPOSED to be?

    Do you know why I liked that career choice to begin with? So I could detach from the complicated world of emotions. I needed a rational, analytical work environment so I could hide from my feelings of despair and helplessness. I couldn’t fix my family’s dysfunction. I couldn’t fix my husband’s dysfunction. I couldn’t even begin to look at my own dysfunction, let alone try to fix it.

    I went to bed last night crying. I woke up and started crying again too.

    I’ve kind of made a HUGE mess of my personal life. I’m in a failed marriage, in a house that is falling apart, and am having a hard time with the enormity of divorce and what it means to me and my daughters. and just treading water some days. Parting ways isn’t easy because of the children. I don’t even want the house, but my children do because it’s their home. My youngest one struggles with mild depression and anxiety. She’s 9. I’m partly responsible for that and feeling all sorts of guilt. Parting with her father will just make things so much worse before they get better.

    I had a fight the other day with my spouse resulting from a meltdown I had about clutter in the house. He called out the L word – lunatic. Yes, because I sometimes have an adult temper tantrum when it all gets to be too much, I get to earn a label.

    Jim, you have my deepest empathy and tenderness right now. I know, like me, you are trying to make some things make sense that just don’t make sense and find a way to make a life that is supportive and nourishing. For us deeply sensitive ones, this life IS tough. But I hope you take some small comfort in the idea that I’m thinking of you, and sending you some virtual hugs and love right now.

    Honestly, I don’t really give a shit what people think of me, even though the labels sting. I know they might think I’m “wrong in the head”, but I KNOW for sure I am “right in the heart”. Yes, screw them. F**k a bunch of judgers, I always say.

    Hang in there, kiddo. We are in this together.

    Casey

  3. We all go through very difficult and painful experiences, sometimes physical pain is stronger, sometimes it is the mental condition. It is tough seeing the light through almost completely dark thick fog which covers senses and the Universe, however, not that one who is perfectly fit and has no dangers ahead is strong, but that one who had to experience all the worst, but managed to maintain the humanity, accept the existence and still look forward to achieving something more, even if it is a small tiny victory over our fears, tears and feeling lost and derailed. Taking our life in our hands is actually all we need. This sounds very simple, yet is very difficult to achieve. For everything what happens with us we should blame nobody since it won’t help anyhow. Taking in our own hands our fears, our weaknesses and desperation, will allow to step up and closer to the place we think we should be.

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