Well isn’t that the truth. Went to my favorite meeting this morning and I got to listen to some of my friends talk about what they’re no longer capable of. That’s a problem for us in general and for me in particular. When I started on this journey over 3 1/2 years ago I had no idea that I was going to be faced with the realities of who I know longer could be and what I could no longer do.
If you read the “About,” section of this blog you see that I thought that once I got the medications that everything was going to be fine. Little did I know that the medications were really not going to help me and if anything they were going to hurt me. Because when I was on the medications I thought that I was going to be able to be “normal,” again. Little did I know that the insanity that I had been living in for at least the last 10 years of my life was not going to go away no matter what medications I took.
That’s how strong my denial is. I thought if I put something in my body that it was going to make my mind “well,” again. I did not realize that had I continued on with my “normal,” life I may not have committed suicide but I damn sure would have suffered a lot more then I have.
I have never experienced the sense of helplessness, hopelessness, uselessness, and worthlessness that I experienced when the depression was so severe that I could not even get out of my own bed. I have friends of mine today who struggle with it as much as I have and sometimes can still do. I got up really early this morning to drive to have coffee with a friend and I spoke about what I was experiencing upon arising. I didn’t want to get up. It’s not that I didn’t want to get out of bed, it’s that I had no psychic energy to be here. I didn’t want to live anymore.
That’s why this blog is titled what it is titled. I can’t do what I did yesterday and I damn sure don’t want to tell you that I can no longer keep my nose to the grindstone. I can no longer get back in the race. I can no longer keep up with the Jones’. I can no longer attain what I attained before.
I don’t want to feel the despair of not wanting to exist anymore. I don’t want to feel the loneliness and isolation that comes about when the depression is so strong that I hide my head in shame. I don’t want to have to work my ass off to go get my license back to practice law. I don’t want to deal with the assholes in the world who want to say that because I’m not well, that I’m sick, but that there’s really something fucking wrong with me. I was watching Joe Pantalones today talk about the stigma of what we carry because we have this cultural dis-ease. We, the ones who carry the disease of the culture are burdened with external crap of many saying there is something “wrong,” with us. We have to carry the collective’s shame. This is above and beyond the internal brutalization that comes about when you suffer like we do.
123 RV, SA, JW, PA, RW, PH, TN, BC, JM.
All quotes by Carl Jung
All the photos come from my friend Cindy Knokes’ blog. There are some amazing photographs on her blog.
When I was looking at these beautiful photographs, I thought of heaven,(which for me is a wonder full metaphor for somewhere “better,” than here, ) and then these Jung quotes come up today from a web site I follow. I thought that this would be a perfect tension of the beauty of the photos juxtaposed to the words from Jung to point out the paradox of the what the suppression of the shadow versus the reaching to this beautiful glorious, mythical place is like.