Fanatic’s Weight

perfection-of-the-spider-web-ray-bilcliffThe world is going by without me. Flowers and trees continue to grow. Children reach their milestones. Seasons come and go. Clouds in the sky move on to their next destination.
Then there is me. Stagnant. Not because I’m not trying, but because it’s the truth. I go through the treatment motions..medications, group therapy, individual therapy. I try to participate and give feedback when I can. Some days I am just shut down with nothing to give. The suicidal thoughts creep in the world is better off without me.  Fending them off can often be a daily occurrence.
20131022-143123.jpgThe topic for me in therapy is acceptance. Acceptance of a condition I hate..bipolar disorder.  It has taken me for a ride, thrown me around, buried me in a pit alone and convinced me to stand on a bridge with plans to jump. I guess I just don’t get it. I do understand it’s a chronic condition. It’s not my fault. I will experience extreme symptoms sometimes and less severe others.  I don’t know what I’m trying to say here.  I guess I don’t forgive myself for the moods and behaviors it causes me to have.  table-topI feel like I have taxed my husband, even his reserves are depleting. All I did last night was yell at him. No conflict. No reason. Just my irrational irritation. He was simply trying to engage me and I wanted to be left completely alone.  How this man continues to love me and stick around I will never understand. I feel selfish as rarely do we tend to his needs. It’s all about me. He told me he walks around terrified I am going to kill myself. That’s a lot of weight in his mind.  I can’t make the promise I won’t because I am not sure myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him tremendously. Maybe it would free us both of weight.

123.  RV, SA, JW, PA, BT, RW

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2 thoughts on “Fanatic’s Weight

  1. Know that you have someone, he will be there for you, support you, and NO! you are not extra weight for him, he is your partner, for better or worse… You are loved! I am sure that this is way too ‘bossy’ of me, to leave this message, and I don’t imagine I understand your pain. I have had a brother, though, who at age 12, 18 and around 20 tried to commit suicide. He ‘anesthetizes’ through drinking and then, gets caught. It is hard since he doesn’t want my sympathy and also, reminds me not to ‘enable’ him. Hugs, just hugs to you. You are special, my friend! Thanks for liking my posts, always! Robin

  2. I know that feeling and the guilt that comes associated with it. When we are imprisoned in the deepest and darkest recess of our mind, the light seems to be so far that we are tempted to think it inexistent: a dream perhaps, an illusion that was ours for a time. We feel to that by going on, we are a burden on those around us. But this is not true. Those who love us, will always be there for us, no matter how difficult things get. They do not do this out of obligation; they do not do this because we are a burden – they do this out of love and because we are more than our depression, and even when we cannot see that – they do.
    Keep going. When things are better, make the most of it: don’t let moments of beauty and happiness pass you by. Try and look for something to love (because this is one thing that depression can’t take fully away, even through it does its best to dim the glow) – it can be something as simple as scrambled eggs in the morning, shared with the person you love and who loves you.
    When I feel that irritation coming on or the need to be on my own, I find that speaking up openly about how I feel in that moment helps take the edge off a little: “It’s so strange, I know that you are just trying to spend some time with me, but for no reason at all I feel very irritated at the moment. Something is scraping at me and I need a little time on my own to work through it and hopefully make it go away. If we did something together now, it would be like a third is crashing the party and this third is one grumpy blighter. Rain check?”
    I used to think that speaking out about it only burdens the other person more, but the thing is that they will carry that load either way – even if they don’t know what exactly is going on. By sharing it, the load seems to get lighter for both. I hope you try this and I hope it works for you in moments when you need to dissipate the tension: both inner and outer.
    Warmest regards,
    Vic

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