The world is going by without me. Flowers and trees continue to grow. Children reach their milestones. Seasons come and go. Clouds in the sky move on to their next destination.
Then there is me. Stagnant. Not because I’m not trying, but because it’s the truth. I go through the treatment motions..medications, group therapy, individual therapy. I try to participate and give feedback when I can. Some days I am just shut down with nothing to give. The suicidal thoughts creep in the world is better off without me. Fending them off can often be a daily occurrence.
The topic for me in therapy is acceptance. Acceptance of a condition I hate..bipolar disorder. It has taken me for a ride, thrown me around, buried me in a pit alone and convinced me to stand on a bridge with plans to jump. I guess I just don’t get it. I do understand it’s a chronic condition. It’s not my fault. I will experience extreme symptoms sometimes and less severe others. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. I guess I don’t forgive myself for the moods and behaviors it causes me to have. I feel like I have taxed my husband, even his reserves are depleting. All I did last night was yell at him. No conflict. No reason. Just my irrational irritation. He was simply trying to engage me and I wanted to be left completely alone. How this man continues to love me and stick around I will never understand. I feel selfish as rarely do we tend to his needs. It’s all about me. He told me he walks around terrified I am going to kill myself. That’s a lot of weight in his mind. I can’t make the promise I won’t because I am not sure myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him tremendously. Maybe it would free us both of weight.
123. RV, SA, JW, PA, BT, RW