Nothing but anxiety. No peace. I know dear friend that you cannot cure this thing. This beast. But i write to get relief. Relief from the thoughts of killing myself. Ending this pain once and for all. I cannot imagine peace in my soul. I try . I surrender. I pray. I reach out even though it hurts to talk to anyone. I know that I have to walk through this with the GODS, the male and female energies that make us. Fuck it hurts to press these keys.
Why I ask would someone suffer so? I cannot go on like this. I must surrender to the earth. I hate this loneliness.
Unable to stand for minutes the engagement with another human being. So I write. My brain is on fire. Just on fire. Beyond scared. Beyond. The mother fucking pills. I wish I would have never taken one of them in 1997.
I have searched for the right meds ever since. The benzos have fucked me. This I know to be true. It feels and I think that I have never had a happy peaceful moment in all my days.
I feel like this is always been me. But it cannot be true. I would have never made 59 years. I want and ask the Gods for just simple peace Just simple peace. Peace to walk down the street and just look around. Peace to re-join my friends and re-join my family to rejoin my work. So say today that I will be somewhere tomorrow at 10 and be able to be there. Whatever happens in between.
Dear Gods help me, mother earth. I am one of your children. Let me be present for my life. Please. I am in your hands. I cannot do it. I must surrender. I do not remember WHO I am. I dont remember laughter.
I do not remember tasting food. I do not remember the birdsong. Now all haunting ghosts of something beyond my touch. I am at the end. I hope the end of the beginning.
Written by Willem 3655
123 RV, SA, JW, PA, RW, TN, JM, EP!