It’s Back

siena-tuscany-steve-mcglannan Nothing but anxiety.  No peace.  I know dear friend that you cannot cure this thing.  This beast.  But i write to get relief.  Relief from the thoughts of killing myself.  Ending this pain once and for all.  I cannot imagine peace in my soul.  I try .  I surrender.  I pray.  I reach out even though it hurts to talk to anyone.  I know that I have to walk through this with the GODS, the male and female energies that make us.  Fuck it hurts to press these keys.
Why I ask would someone suffer so?  I cannot go on like this.  I must surrender to the earth.  I hate this loneliness.
Unable to stand for minutes the engagement with another human being.  So I write.  My new-yorker-reads-nazi-army-75-miles-from-paris-nyc-municipal-archivesbrain is on fire.  Just on fire.  Beyond scared.  Beyond.  The mother fucking pills.  I wish I would have never taken one of them in 1997.
normal1-e1385992240158I have searched for the right meds ever since.  The benzos have fucked me. This I know to be true.  It feels and I think that I have never had a happy peaceful moment in all my days.
I feel like this is always been me.  But it cannot be true.  I would have never made 59 years.  I want and ask the Gods for just simple peace   Just simple peace.  Peace to walk down the street and just look around.  Peace to re-join my friends and re-join my family to rejoin my work. So say today that I will be somewhere tomorrow at 10 and be able to be there.  Whatever happens in between.
silo-portoDear Gods help me, mother earth.  I am one of your children.  Let me be present for my life.  Please.  I am in your hands.  I cannot do it.  I must surrender.  I do  not remember WHO I am.  I dont remember laughter.
I do not remember tasting food.  I do not remember the birdsong.  Now all haunting ghosts of something beyond my touch.  I am at the end.  I hope the end of the beginning.
Written by Willem 3655
123 RV, SA, JW, PA, RW, TN, JM, EP!
20131101-063008.jpgfinger touching nose of baby

6 thoughts on “It’s Back

  1. I’m not Buddhist but I just got finished reading a blog by someone who is (although I do apply Buddhist philosophy in many ways to my life). And I’m wondering if the philosophy might be helpful in some way. Buddhists make a distinction between optional and non-optional suffering. Non-optional suffering would include things like getting cancer or childhood abuse, for instance. But then we can let things go (which meditation trains you to do) or dwell on them. Although I read about a meditative practice that did a bit of each. Some people who have experienced a trauma are constantly trying to not think about it, But some people who meditated while facing and focusing on it, and reliving it, were able to let it go after many years of suffering. I’m just wondering if there are are any psychological/psychiatric studies on this? Or if it has ever been put into practice?

  2. My heart goes out to you. Being Bipolar, Aspie and OCD, I am no stranger to relentless anxiety, pills galore and pain. You are not alone. I will put you on my prayer list. I don’t want to plug something on my post but I have written a book about my experiences trying to find some semblance of sanity. If you are interested let me know or look at the about on I wrote it for people like me who feel so all alone with their psychological problems. A big hug, Ellen

  3. I understand and get it! I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. I, too, suffer from anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADHD…………to name a few. Just know you are not on this journey alone. I’m here. I care. HUGS to you, my friend.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s