It angers me that I don’t know who I am. I wake from a restless nights sleep to rage or agitation or instant tears that I am still here. I feel like the alcoholic father or mother when drunk, you never knew what you were going to get. I often feel like that, don’t know who I’m going to be from day to day. My moods feel unpredictable, random and all over the place. As a result, I do not feel in control. Sure, I understand each day I am still the fanatic. But I have lost my core sense of self. My reliable smile and pleasant demeanor are often missing. I don’t seem to know and certainly don’t know why this happens to me. My next question is whether I can will myself out of my bad mood, rid myself of my harmful thoughts. Am I not trying hard enough to do that or is it that if can’t be done. I honestly am not sure.
I’ve been visiting my in laws. I’ve only been out of the hospital 2 weeks. The visit to my in laws is usually fraught with tension, angry outbursts, emotional reactions. My husband really helped to spare me of this family drama as I still feel rather raw and fragile. I often disappeared upstairs or downstairs to wipe away tears. I took naps just about every day so I could take my mask off if only for a short time. I found that to be somewhat helpful. I need a lot more downtime than usual.
I told a friend, rather texted him one night, that I have had a few chances at taking my life. Two serious chances and in that moment I really wished I had followed through. Sometimes the mood swings, loss of memory, fear, panic and self hatred are too much. I thought I was strong before bipolar came along but truthfully I feel very weak. I can’t control my own mind. I have hallucinations, delusions that bring me to my knees.
The voice in my head is loud and I often feel like it yells and screams at me. Lately it has been reminding me of the 2 lost chances, but perhaps there will be another. There should be another. The message I constantly receive is that I do not belong here. I should die.
I know others have their pain in different forms. Come from different backgrounds. I don’t know about you but I need to be reminded I am not alone. So quickly. So easily the isolation takes hold. I never forget you are out there, I just become incapable of reaching out.
123 RV, RW, SA, JW,PA, TN, PH. Happy Birthday Renee!