Fanatic’s Reaching

cabins-at-mt-assiniboine-lodge-british-columbiaIt angers me that I don’t know who I am. I wake from a restless nights sleep to rage or agitation or instant tears that I am still here. I feel like the alcoholic father or mother when drunk, you never knew what you were going to get. I often feel like that, don’t know who I’m going to be from day to day. My moods feel unpredictable, random and all over the place. As a result, I do not feel in control. Sure, I understand each day I am still the fanatic. But I have lost my core sense of self. My reliable smile and pleasant demeanor are often missing. I don’t seem to know and certainly don’t know why this happens to me.  My next question is whether I can will myself out of my bad mood, rid myself of my harmful thoughts. Am I not trying hard enough to do that or is it that if can’t be done. I honestly am not sure.
between-the-lines-mark-broughton1I’ve been visiting my in laws. I’ve only been out of the hospital 2 weeks. The visit to my in laws is usually fraught with tension, angry outbursts, emotional reactions. My husband really helped to spare me of this family drama as I still feel rather raw and fragile. I often disappeared upstairs or downstairs to wipe away tears.  I took naps just about every day so I could take my mask off if only for a short time. I found that to be somewhat helpful. I need a lot more downtime than usual.
I told a friend, rather texted him one night, that I have had a few chances at taking my life. Two serious chances and in that moment I really wished I had followed through.  Sometimes blowing-in-the-wind-chris-bardthe mood swings, loss of memory, fear, panic and self hatred are too much. I thought I was strong before bipolar came along but truthfully I feel very weak. I can’t control my own mind. I have hallucinations, delusions that bring me to my knees.

The voice in my head is loud and I often feel like it yells and screams at me. Lately it has been reminding me of the 2 lost lazy-red-pandachances, but perhaps there will be another. There should be another. The message I constantly receive is that I do not belong here. I should die.
I know others have their pain in different forms. Come from different backgrounds. I don’t know about you but I need to be reminded I am not alone. So quickly. So easily the isolation takes hold. I never forget you are out there, I just become incapable of reaching out.

123 RV, RW, SA, JW,PA, TN, PH.  Happy Birthday Renee!




5 thoughts on “Fanatic’s Reaching

  1. Dear Fanatic. I am here. Although most of me wants to die. Day in and day out, I want to die. I used to enjoy this life, but like you say…lost my core sense of self. I no longer know what to do. The anxiety and depression have robbed me of everything. I appreciate knowing that you are out there in this world living with it and not dieing because of it. I to miss myself. what my desires once were. Just being alive and doing anything was fine.
    Now the void is eating me alive. We can make it. This will pass. It always has in the past. I will pray for relief for us and all others who suffer this HOLE. Please be at peace as wish it for all of us.

  2. That must have been terribly difficult, to have visited your in-laws so soon after you’d been hospitalized. After I was hospitalized, I underwent months of partial hospitalization, and then returned to my own home. I cannot imagine undergoing so much stress so soon after your discharge. You are still so raw. You are not alone. Please reach out for help should you feel like hurting yourself.

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