“You let go, freefall into the unknown, and allow something powerful to happen.”

godafoss-waterfall-of-the-gods-iceland-pome-acroI chose to follow the calling of making my depression overt, expressing it, instead of keeping it covert, like I had for the prior 50 plus years.  If I would have known it would have brought me to this place where I am now, I  doubt if my mind would have stood for it.  I would have tried all of the methods my culture teaches me to avoid my inner self, my spirit, my soul. But I am reminded of Joseph Campbell’s words, “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” This  is the scariest place I have ever been.  Why? Because fear of failure already has a grip on me.  I have “failed,” at the life I had because I had “lost,” it all!  So what the hell am I doing?

dad and grandpa“How else can you obtain the power that is not in your full control?” This is antithetical to what I know to be true.  I have to have control of the future or I will die, wont I?   I need some power from the Ggods and Ggoddesses today.  I dont feel like I have enough of my own to keep going down the path of the unknown.  The problem with the path of the unknown is that I feel like I have to lose my past.  Those things in life that give life meaning.  I want to say the material.  I am sad that I am saying it, but the reality is that I have always measured my self by those things.  Now that they are gone, I feel lost, confused, alone.

IMG00733“You take chances and flirt with failure and risk going out into the world as an individual possessed with outrageous passion.” I had a wonder full conversation this morning with one of my oldest friends and she recognized that part of me that cares about what goes on in my world.  Not my immediate world of what I need, by the my world that includes all that is around me, which is everything. I am grateful for this passion, but I have been afraid of it my whole life because passion was only expressed in rage when I was a child. No loving passion was expressed  between my parents.  None was expressed towards us children.  The only time emotions were expressed were on drunken self pity jags or rage at us for being what we were.

n2359Thor_mazlin900“[J]ourney out of exile into homecoming.”[1]  I read this this morning and felt the wind blow through me.  I tear up right now as I write this as it still feels like exile.

123 RV, SA, RW, PA, JW!

Quotes by Thomas Moore  A Life at Work, except [1] Robert Romanshyn

wolf yosemite   finger touching nose of baby

 

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3 thoughts on ““You let go, freefall into the unknown, and allow something powerful to happen.”

  1. Hi Jim,

    I cannot imagine this:

    “No passion was expressed for love between my parents. None was expressed towards us children. The only time emotions were expressed were on drunken self pity jags or rage at us for being what we were.”

    I am very sorry that you did not get to experience a safer, more loving bond with your parents. Your honesty makes me appreciate even more, my own parents, even though my childhood was by no means perfect.

    xxx
    Debra

  2. No need to lose your past, Jim, simply to honor it, good, bad and indifferent. And perhaps you didn’t “lose it all,” but were rather emptied to be filled up with something greater than you alone could imagine. Rose-colored glasses on my part – some would say yes; I just say it’s all about perspective and hope. Blessings to you for only good…

  3. I am looking on to your jump into total acceptance and honesty with trepitations, because I would like to follow my own self more faithfully, but it is hard for me to see express myself with all of my self-protective filters on. I am curious to see vicariously through you, what might be my next step. The half-steps I have taken over the last year had strong results in both the healthy and unhealthy extremes.

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