–As I awoke this morning, there was calm. I looked at my house with pleasure. Grateful to be in it. And I asked God that if I can be this calm right now at 6:30, why not the whole day. What is the difference. It is still the same day. I am still the same person. And right then, at that moment I was calm. Then I walked outside and I was still calm. For an hour or so, calm; present and enjoying the morning aroma.
Then, as if hit with a hammer, wham, and then it all comes around to where I have not been going… WORK. REB DOGS. No talking on the phone.. Out of breath. Memory problems. And right now as I write this, I am just barely able to do it. I want to just walk down the street and smile and laugh. And no laughter.
Take pills. More pills. Different pills. Pace and pace. No confidence. No free association with thought. No desires.
No goals. Just death. Just death. Now I want to smoke again. Really I want what I have what I had in the past without the ghosts of self loathing and defeat. I have defeated myself over and over again. I received an invite to a birthday party this morning. One of my dearest friends. I will not attend. Jesus lord I can barley sit here and write this although it is helping me. Knowing that it is going to be read and that I will be heard. I do not want to die by my own hand and yet I feel like there is no where to go with this. No where to go.
If I do anything good for myself, it means to me that I must do it again.
I hate myself so much for not being able to go out the door. I have my best friend in coming to town. I do not want him to see me like this. Broken. And just fucking broken. Last June 13th I was laughing all the time. Just relieved to be alive and feeling so capable. And 6 months later from the beginning of this depression, my shoulders hurt holding them in place to write these words.
Isolate Isolate Isolate so the anxiety is bearable.
123 Rhonda, Steve, Renee, Pam and yes Jim!