I feel dead inside.

 phewa-lake-nepalBy Willem 3655.
As I sit here, I am asking the GODS why have you forsaken me.  An entire life NEVER being where I want to be.
I do not know where that place is.  Years and years of work and therapy and sobriety and still I feel so alone.
I go to meetings and no relief.  I go to be with friends and always feeling like I am supposed to be somewhere else.
jungle-sergey-karpukhinI can barely stand this torment.  If I go to do anything, I mean anything, I am not supposed to be there.  I am supposed to be somewhere else, being and doing something else.  I have not worked in months.  Terrified to look at the desk and do nothing.  I walk and it feels like nothing.  I speak to my family and nothing.  Just depression and anxiety and anger.  What does this anxiety want of me.  There is no peace that I feel.  I smoke and pace and then I just want to sleep.  It feels right now like my entire life has been nothing.  Just nothing.  No accomplishments; no contact with the human race.  Gods, writing this is scaring the crap out of me.  I have been in this depression for months mow.   So many months.  I once had a therapist tell me that a lot is still happening when you are in a depression.  I want out and my friend says dive in.  Dive where.  I want my fucking life back.  I want to look forward to things.  To seeing my family is the biggest heartache I feel.  It has always been there.  Whether I am with them or not.
Der Kandel im Schwarzwald (Kandel Mountain, Black Forest, Baden-Please God, take me somewhere of take me or let me have peace that all is right at this moment.  I have not seen my family for 6 years.  Six years and the anxiety of travel and the shame of my life keep me from going there.  Afraid it will not be enough.  That I am not enough.  Last year this was not true for me.  I felt on track.  Or was I?
whirlpool-2I meditate to Tara Brach and she says just be.  My memory is fading.  Or it is a struggle to read and remember just about anything.  What am I doing even writing this stuff.    Working on not letting it control me.  I know that everything is there but I feel dead inside.  Just dead.  So why bother about anything.  I am a self hater.  It is what I was taught.  So I hate myself and the world and everything.  Please for GODS sake, somebody help me.
123 BT, RV, SA, PA, RW, JW
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10 thoughts on “I feel dead inside.

    • Rebecca,
      As I have said before, there is more than one person who writes for this blog.
      Willem3655 is a friend of mine, just like Fanatic and the Colonel and Nomadlander.
      We all write anonymously.

  1. 1. “I want my fucking life back.” This is healthy anger. Gotta get stubborn.

    2. “Working on not letting it control me.” This important. It is an it – not us.

    We may apply the lessons of the Big Book and the meetings in helping ourselves by helping others in depression not only for sobriety. You are intelligent enough- activate your survival genes. Adapt or die. For me just diagnosed prostate cancer 3 weeks ago. I will not let the monster depression weaken me in my fight.

    If in depths of depression one must have something to live for. If you feel you don’t then invent something.

  2. Another thought: if you are maintaining sobriety you are winning. Staying sober may be the most difficult thing one accomplishes. We should therefore, have more confidence in ourselves.

  3. Don’t define it here, but have you sat down and defined, for yourself, what “wanting my life back” means? That’s what I would do. Write a list, be specific, spend some time pondering what you want.

  4. I had a very similar experience when I finally decided to get completely sober; no drugs, no alcohol. I became very depressed, and at the time, I had lost my job and been diagnosed as having Bipolar disorder Type I (the worst form). All of this occurred at roughly the same time. I honestly thought I was going to lose it. I, too, wanted my “life” back. Not the sober life, but the previous one, which was certainly no way to stay sober. In writing this, you have expressed a healthy anger about not being where you want to be. That takes a great deal of courage. It also takes a great deal of courage to work towards sobriety. I think it is normal to feel depressed when one decides to become sober because, perhaps for the first time, one is looking at the world and one’s life thus far through a clear lens.

    Being a constant work in progress myself, I think you have expressed some very valid points and feelings. I have been Bipolar for approximately 25 years, and I believe that drove a lot of my substance abuse. I was trying to achieve a level of normalcy that cannot be accomplished without proper medication and therapy. I, too, am not overly happy with where my life has taken me. However, I have learned some very important lessons along the way. And, with time and a few years of therapy and one incredible psychiatrist, I have learned to identify my symptoms, things that will make me want to slip, and how to avoid them. By writing your feelings down, you have taken a very brave step toward what you want and what you know you don’t want.

    A previous comment mentioned that by staying sober, you are winning, you are victorious. I know it is hard to have confidence in that, but it is most definitely true. I wish you nothing but a strong climb out of the “rabbit hole”.

  5. When someone hurts me in any way, first i consider the source. Then, I bless them and go on my way. When feelings overwhelm you, consider the source. Deal with it with imagination, logic, and humor. Bless it for the lesson it is providing, and then go on your way to finding answers and contentment in knowing you are taking action against these slings and arrows. It has worked for me, and I humbly and lovingly suggest it to you. I send prayers for strength and solace.

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