As I sit here, I am asking the GODS why have you forsaken me. An entire life NEVER being where I want to be.
I do not know where that place is. Years and years of work and therapy and sobriety and still I feel so alone.
I go to meetings and no relief. I go to be with friends and always feeling like I am supposed to be somewhere else.
I can barely stand this torment. If I go to do anything, I mean anything, I am not supposed to be there. I am supposed to be somewhere else, being and doing something else. I have not worked in months. Terrified to look at the desk and do nothing. I walk and it feels like nothing. I speak to my family and nothing. Just depression and anxiety and anger. What does this anxiety want of me. There is no peace that I feel. I smoke and pace and then I just want to sleep. It feels right now like my entire life has been nothing. Just nothing. No accomplishments; no contact with the human race. Gods, writing this is scaring the crap out of me. I have been in this depression for months mow. So many months. I once had a therapist tell me that a lot is still happening when you are in a depression. I want out and my friend says dive in. Dive where. I want my fucking life back. I want to look forward to things. To seeing my family is the biggest heartache I feel. It has always been there. Whether I am with them or not.
Please God, take me somewhere of take me or let me have peace that all is right at this moment. I have not seen my family for 6 years. Six years and the anxiety of travel and the shame of my life keep me from going there. Afraid it will not be enough. That I am not enough. Last year this was not true for me. I felt on track. Or was I?
I meditate to Tara Brach and she says just be. My memory is fading. Or it is a struggle to read and remember just about anything. What am I doing even writing this stuff. Working on not letting it control me. I know that everything is there but I feel dead inside. Just dead. So why bother about anything. I am a self hater. It is what I was taught. So I hate myself and the world and everything. Please for GODS sake, somebody help me.
123 BT, RV, SA, PA, RW, JW