“So begins the revolution on behalf of the soul.”

god-epiphany Okay, this is going to be a rant, so if you are triggered by anger, cursing and downright raging, then please, please dont read any futher.

I am going to start by posting the best definition of depression I have ever seen. It is quote by a wonder full lady, Kay Redfield Jamison, who is amazing and power full and a true hero in my book.

normal1-e1385992240158“In its severe forms, depression paralyzes all of the otherwise vital forces that make us human, leaving instead a bleak, despairing, desperate, and deadened state. . .Life is bloodless, pulseless, and yet present enough to allow a suffocating horror and pain. All bearings are lost; all things are dark and drained of feeling. The slippage into futility is first gradual, then utter. Thought, which is as pervasively affected by depression as mood, is morbid, confused, and stuporous. It is also vacillating, ruminative, indecisive, and self-castigating. The body is bone-weary; there is no will; nothing is that is not an effort, and nothing at all seems worth it. Sleep is fragmented, elusive, or all-consuming. Like an unstable, gas, an irritable exhaustion seeps into every crevice of thought and action.(2)

normal1This is how my depression is.  I was talking with my friend Brian today and I told him my  four word definition  of depression.  “Helpless, hopeless, worthless, useless.”

So what I am talking about is how I need to start fighting, creating a revolution, on behalf of my own soul.  I have to stop putting up with being treated like I was a second class citizen because of my dis-ease.

I have been scared to write, I mean write books, about the way that people with depression are fucking stigmatized and marginalized.

20131022-143123.jpgWhy am I scared.  Because “I Dont Want To  Talk About It,” is what rules our culture.  It manifests itself in so many ways.  I have been dealing with in the legal system, the social system and mostly the educational system and see the stigmatization that is perpetrated.

I am sick and fucking tired that despite the fact that I have tried 5 different anti depressants, hormone replacement, alternative medicine, non-traditional methods of treatment, therapies, writing, group processes, etc., I still suffer with this depression.

I am really sick of people who are afraid that they are going to “catch it,” pushing me away and then saying it is something I fucking did.  I am about to step out and just say “fuck it.”  I am/was a very successful in life and am normally a hard working, smart, caring, loving man.

I have been debilitated by something I would not have chosen.  Who in their right mind would choose to be where I am today?  Come on give me a break.  Would Belinda of busymindthinking choose her status. I mean look at her.  Beautiful, intelligent, interesting, a good Mom.  Would anyone say she chose to get Lyme’s disease?

I dont think so, but yet because I look “normal,” everyone thinks I choose to “feel sorry,” for myself by saying I have depression.

Look at our world.  We are the most prescribed people in the world.  We are 5% of the population, yet we  are prescribed 80% of the world’s drugs!  You dont see a problem there.  I do.

lost-in-an-ocean-of-red-power-focus-fotographieSo what do I do?  I know how to get angry and point my fingers.  I grew up an  American.  It is someone else’s fault for my problems. The problem with that is we look at it in those terms.  Either it my  “fault,” or yours.  How about it is no ones  fault or it is our collective responsibility to do something about this.  How about it is the by product of our culture?

Title quote by the man who had his pulse on this culture better than any modern day philosopher, James Hillman.  (2) Kay Redfield Jamison.  Please read her biography.  A real champion for us.

123 Everyone!

stubborn-look1cute-kitten-prays

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4 thoughts on ““So begins the revolution on behalf of the soul.”

  1. When I was at my worst, in winter of 2011, I would curl up in a ball on my bed and pray to die. I understand how you are feeling, Jim. I wish I had the fucking answer. x

  2. I have been there. Your definition “Helpless, hopeless, worthless, useless.” yes that is it. Bone weary. I did not choose it, I did not understand it, and then it added to those 4 words when even doctors did not understand. I have been the only one able to help myself, and it has taken so many painful years, and blind guessing of trying this or that. Depression is a prison of bullshit, as your mind lies to you. That has helped me the most, to battle those dark thoughts, I scream ‘Liar’ at myself. I look at my children and other people, and know none of them are now or could ever be worthless, and scream that back at myself. I say scream because it takes enormous strength and volume to get a message across the black hole in my mind. I’d say that, combined with my amazing blogging support community helped me take the first step to rebuilding me. I still struggle and still have shitty days, but I seem to have found something in me worth fighting for, and so I fight. Don’t give up, and use that anger I hear in this post to find it for yourself, because you are worth it. love xx

  3. I do want to talk about it and I choose what to say and words to say. I really do not care so much for those people that are phobic about this illness. Use that anger wisely. And I agree, Belinda is such a beauiful person,Jim. Take Care. Perpetua.

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