At the darkest moment comes the light(1)

sunset-across-my-home-ajaytao Man I tell you, I feel no light today. I have sat immobilized for the the last three days in my depression.  I just changed residences and no longer am living with the lady I was living with.  I know that both of those things are “good,” for  me but it feels like shit.

It is a painful and dangerous undertaking to tunnel into one’s self and to force ones way down into the shaft of one’s being by the nearest path.(2) I am so tired of my “self.”  I am so tired of not living my life like I want to.  I know that it is a sunset-mellow-glow-ajaytaoblock that only I can get through, or over, or under, or whatever, but it feels so hopeless today.

Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness. At the time of these occurrences, they may have actually given our emotions violent twists which have since discolored our personalities and altered our lives for the worse. (3)

summer-midnightsun-laplandMy life has been driven by these conflicts and for the most part I  never have had a clue and still don’t have a conscious clue about them.   These were many of the major events in my life that shaped me. What I have learned is that though those memories are no longer present for me to recall, they still can affect how I look at the world.

123 JW, RA,  SA, RW, PA.  To forgive is divine, to ask permission is human.

baby-owl-learning-to-fly-peter-brannon100_1608

[1] Joseph Campbell
[2] Fredrich Nietzsche, Untimely Meditations
[3] Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Step 8, pgs 79-80.

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2 thoughts on “At the darkest moment comes the light(1)

  1. I’m so sorry for your pain. I’m hoping that at some point you will be able — probably very gradually — to get through this and have learned something from the struggle. And teach what you have learned to others.

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