“…at the cost of a diminution of personality. The nearer we approach to the middle of life, and the better we have succeeded in entrenching ourselves in our personal attitudes and social positions, the more it appears as if we had discovered the right course and the right ideals and principles of behavior.”
Did I ever think I had the “right course,” figured out. What a shock it was to learn through my diagnosis with depression, that I had been living a fragmented, “shadowy,” existence. Not that I had done anything illegal or “bad,” it was just that I could not suppress the pain, anger and fear I had suppressed my whole life.
‘Many – far too many – aspects of life which should also have been experienced lie in the lumber-room among dusty memories; but sometimes, too, they are glowing coals under grey ashes.”
That was the problem. Those “glowing coals” of stored fear, anger and pain had had a fresh breeze or bellows full of air blown through them by the economic meltdown I was experiencing. I could not deal with the fear, anger and pain which had transformed to a core level dislike for myself that I was feeling.
Metaphorically, it was getting hot down in my soul. Those “grey ashes” had been blown up into the air creating a dusty, smoky haze that was almost impossible to see through. Those glowing coals had been re-kindled and were burning my soul and the smoke was so dense that I could not breathe.
What was the reason that I couldn’t just figure out a solution to my problems? I was a “successful,” attorney, I had acquired wealth and comfort. Damn, I had social position! But the self loathing was overwhelming. I felt less than human for creating a particular situation that contributed to the economic meltdown which triggered those “dusty memories.”
The brutal truth was that I was no longer able to depress the effects of the P.T.S.D. I had tried to run from and cover up my whole life. My ego did not know what to to with the unconscious stimulus that was now troubling me. I was haunted by feelings of fear and cried many times thinking that I was less than human for how I had screwed up my whole family by my actions.
I remember one day outside of my house feeling the level of terrible fear that I hadnt felt since I was a boy. I remember shaking so bad and being so afraid that I was going to be arrested when the police pulled up across the street at my neighbor’s house. They were only there to check on her welfare. I had done nothing to be arrested for yet I felt they were coming to get me. I felt the fear that I had put away in my body all those times as a child and it was time for it to come out. It felt like it was the same fear I felt when my Dad was coming after me when I was a kid and I was trying to elude his belt.
Quotes by Carl Jung
Please say a prayer for my friend Renee’s friend. She needs it.
123 RV, SA, JW, PA, RW