Fanatic Lost

plant-transporter-thomas-jeppesen Where do you go when you feel lost? I am not the person I want to be. I don’t want to be this hysterical, out of control, crying, yelling, slamming doors kind of person. But, on Tuesday morning, I was. And in the middle of that tornado I stop and get stoic and think, you know what,
F-you! I don’t need anyone. I don’t need this heartache. I’m DONE!
Next minute I am frantic at the thought of him truly walking out that door. The tornado starts up again. Push. Pull. I don’t know which way is up or what I want or what I need. I ran out of the house and went to work.
riverside-mark-broughtonWell, needless to say I had to leave work because I could not function. I grabbed my things, got in my car and started driving. Not towards home. Not towards anywhere. In that moment I truly believed and felt like I did not belong anywhere. I drove for 2 hrs. Almost as if I was afraid to stop. What would happen then?
The chatter in my head is relentless. The ringing in my ears is becoming too much.  I cut my left wrist on purpose. Drew blood. Over and over. Just watched as my skin became red and inflamed. It physically hurt and it felt good at the same time.  Nothing too deep, rather superficial. Left marks for a few days. Reminders of my behavior, my outrage,my inability to tolerate emotions sometimes. I wear a watch which covered it mostly.

soaring-gullIt’s shameful to me. I am 40 yrs old. Why can’t I get my act together?

I’m going to a women’s AA Mtng tonite. I reached out to someone to meet me there so I don’t have to walk through those doors alone.  I’m tired of being alone, but it’s what I do. But not tonite.

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One thought on “Fanatic Lost

  1. Awww, I’m so glad you reached out for support. Good for you. Keep writing and reaching and believing. Hugs to you. XO. I hope you’re feeling better.

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