I pace, watch tv, pray, meditate and worry. I want out of this loop. It is becoming to much. There has to be an answer to my emotional and mental disease. I cannot stand to go to my
AA meeting anymore. Cannot sit; cannot speak. Talking on the telephone only creates more anxiety. more depression. i am going to try this new med, cymbalta and see what happens. In the meantime, i have never been this alone. My friend is a constant companion and I thank God for him.. I talk to others. but it just hurts me to strain and pull the words out of my brain. Hello and hello is all I have got in me. I can write but barely speak. I deflect.
I walk up and down the street, over and over again. No relief. I want to be around people but it hurts.
Today after the doctor i thought I was going to die. Driving up and down Highway 49 waiting for script to be filled. Am I wrong in doing meds. Is this a spiritually illness. Yesterday’s bad weather had me near suicide.
Today I can sit with the door open. It provides some sense of not being trapped. I have not joy ever.
I never laugh. I never find peace. So many chemicals they/I have put into my body in the last 6 months.
i am dissolving right before my very eyes. I cannot go to work. Have no idea what I would do once I got there. i find hello to the next door neighbor painful as ever. I call my friends for abbreviated conversations and my family for the same. I walk and I walk. Stuck inside this hell. It is as if I cannot access any pleasure in this life. and I do try. I keep trying and trying. Please Gods, find me. Please ancestors, find me. Please family come to me. Please friends, do not give up me. Please Gods, remove the obsessions to smoke and to think the same shit over and over again. I want out of misery. Please Gods, let this medicine work. Medicines have worked for me in the past. i want out of this misery. I want to be part of the web of life again. Energy and joy and peace. Just some peace. Please, please help me hope myself.