“…are symptoms of maladjustment.” I hear all my friends who are suffering, saying that they are missing “it,” doing something “wrong,” are “lazy,” are “fucked up in the head,” and on and on. I see people who suffer from CFS, bi-polar, depression like me and many, many other diseases which I see as psycho-somatic. We all think that there is something wrong with us! That the dis-ease we are suffering with, are carrying, are dealing with, is because we did something wrong, or deep down we truly believe we are defective.
You see, I am afraid of people because I was afraid of my father. Hell, I was afraid of my mother, my brother, my sisters and everyone else who was around me and was physically bigger than I was at the time. So I have this deeply ingrained fear, which has become a neurosis, that says I am not strong enough, that I cant defend myself. So when it gets scary, when I have to stand up for myself, I cant! I am getting better, but until I work out some more of the PTSD around this, I suffer from it.
I defended murderers, child molesters and rapists, yet I cant stand up for myself on matters that are really not matters of life and death. Why? I dont know! Damn I wish I could just take a damn pill every day and do this. If there was a pill that would give me courage, I would take it!!!
“In any breakdown in conscious functioning, energy regresses and unconscious contents are activated in an attempt to compensate the one-sidedness of consciousness.” I had to go where my ego could compensate for the shame and fear that I felt inside. I could not deal with the fear in any way that dissipated it, so I acted like I didnt have it. I did that until the anxiety of suppressing it overwhelmed me and I shut down…I went into this depression that I find myself in. It sucks.
“Be-cause of some obstacle-a constitutional weakness or defect, wrong education, bad experiences, an unsuitable attitude, etc.-one shrinks from the difficulties which life brings and thus finds oneself back in the world of the infant.” This is when those deep seated emotional conflicts were established for me. I had to act like the emotional traumas I was experiencing were not affecting me. I had to stuff it. Those emotional conflicts became ingrained into me. I could not resolve them as they were gone from my conscious life, but they were damn sure getting bigger than life in my unconsciousness. I drank, used, lied, stole and everything else I could not to feel the trapped emotional energy that I could not express so had to act like it didnt happen.
Quotes by Carl Jung
123 RV, SA, RW