I had to get “crazy,” to survive in a world that was at best dysfunctional. I was not allowed to express the dis-ease that was EVERYWHERE around me. I was reading my friend Mer-bear’s blog(1) and was also thinking about Laura Kerr’s post this morning(2), where the opening quote came from, in respect to my post yesterday on my shadow.
We think that we have these parts of us that are “negative.” But we collected those parts of us by the experiences we lived through. Talking about the specifics are not for this post, but suffice to say that I earned my shadow by the repression that I had to do survive in the world of madness that I encountered.
I am sick and tired of those people, particularly in 12 step programs who tell you that you should just “put the past in the past.” LIke I could just forget everything that has happened in my past. Trust me if I had my way, I would not be sitting here in a coffee shop, at 8:30 on a Sunday morning, writing about the energy that it takes to deal with the “shadow,” part of myself. I do not like doing this work. I was able to get a respite yesterday by watching the Final Four with my good friend.
The whole of the opening quote,
“Madness can very often be considered a normal mode of survival in the face of actual manipulations on the part of the environment, from a prior moment that has dropped out of time. What we are dealing with in that case is a normal craziness that bears witness to a normality that is crazy, trivialized, dehistoricized, and denied: ‘What happened didn’t happen.’ From that time on, the place vanishes with the past: there is no place, no past. It has become impossible to trust one’s own emotions and sensations.”(3)
I have this, the I cant trust my “own emotions and sensations,” in spades if I dont constantly make effort to keep conscious of what I am doing, thinking, feeling. My goal in life is to be conscious. That sounds pretty simple doesnt it? Well I have been carrying this psychic energy that I deny I have, and struggling to deal with it/suppress it my whole life. That has made it so I have spent more time avoiding my Self than being my Self.
We need to get this message to the collective “us” better. This is the challenge that I have been given by walking along this road of depression. Trying to help people like myself, who are for the most part not getting the relief they need. For me, James Hillman was the person who described the culture’s dis-ease and articulated it so most people could understand what he was talking about. But most people dont know Hillman unless they are in the field of psychology. Hillman knew that where we are as a culture was a place where we needed help surviving, that it was no longer about achieving some sort of being healed or fixed as individuals. I hope that this blog helps someone today survive with a little more peace in their mind.
123 RV, SA, RW, PA.
(3)The opening quote, came from Laura Kerr’s blog and was cited to “Davoine, Françoise, and Jean-Max Gaudillière. 2004. History Beyond Trauma: Whereof one cannot speak…thereof one cannot stay silent. Translated by Susan Fairfield. New York: Other Press.”