“Our souls in private to ourselves,…”

100_1617“and close communion with another, and even in public exhibits psychopathologies.”[1]
I got a call from a friend today.  My buddy has been sober for over 6 years.  He has a “great job,” a “wonderful marriage” and a “beautiful daughter.”  He was telling me about the despair that was coming up for him.  He was telling me that he was afraid that he was going to try to commit suicide or drink.  He openly started talking about his depression, which I didnt know  he had.  He has always been a smiling, positive guy.
fjordMy friend said to me that when he starts to feel his depression take over he thinks he only has two choices.  The first choice he says is going to lead him down a path where he “knows what the result will be.”  He said it feels like it would be “disastorous.”  The second choice was a “path,” that he said “was dark, unknown.”  His pain was loud and clear to me.  I related to him a quote I rely on from Joseph Campbell, “If you see the path in front of you, it is not yours.”
How this relates to the  quote above is my friend seems to be aware of the dis-ease that he is starting to exhibit.  What a lucky man!  I could not see that I was expressing my psychopathology until after I left the life that I had so carefully constructed and put together.
God in the Grand Canyon“[W]hen he projects negative qualities and therefore hates and loathes the object,””…he has to discover that he is projecting his own inferior side, his shadow, as it were, because he prefers to have an optimistic and one-sided image of himself.”[2]  This was my problem right before the depression became overt for me.  I was looking at all others to say were my problem.  Yes lots of negative things happened in my life that made it so I could say were the cause of my problems.  Yet the reality was that I could no longer suppress my shadow.  It became uncontrollable.  I  could act like it was not  killing me, but it was.  My depression was overt and I could not put the genie back in the bottle any longer so to speak.
It has been an excruciatingly painful journey to get to the place where I am today.  It is not where I  want to be,  it is where I am.  Some days I dont experience much joy.  Many times I feel like I made a big mistake by not suppressing what I felt I needed to suppress.  However, I truly dont believe what I did was in vain.  I am here, helping others and hoping to follow my bliss which I ignored 25 or so years ago.  My friend is hopefully on the journey of his life time.
[1] James Hillman  [2] Carl Jung

123 RV, SA, BT, JW, RW

finger touching nose of baby100_1607


One thought on ““Our souls in private to ourselves,…”

  1. A helpful consideration in my battle against depression was to realize that much of it is due to chemical irregularity in brain. I tell myself this is not real, shake it off. The lack of or the over presence of stuff in brain alters this perception of reality I endure. Sorta like getting through those bad LSD trips forty five years ago. This too will pass. This at least helps me overcome the immobilization that comes with the lows. Even Mother Nature has cloudy days.

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