“That is, history is causality.”* If this is the case, and my major mental health issue is the repression of the emotional conflicts that persist below the level of my consciousness, then I am a result of those conflicts. That makes sense to me. Many of my actions in my life I did not understand. Why I drank and used drugs. Why would anyone in their right mind take poison into their body and think it was helping them?
“Therefore, to get to the best cause–the strongest cause will be the earliest cause, because it starts the chain.” Here is where I am going to try to interpret, in my own life, how Hillman says that it is not the history that makes for the reason that we are where we are today, unless we allow it be the “thing,” that we allow to define us.
What is about to happen is for me to show you and more importantly show me in my own words how I can no longer allow my depression, my repression of history, to define my reality today.
I am going to use my relationship with a dear friend to show how by continuing to allow it to transpire as it is, I am allowing the voices of history, my past, to define how I am today and I am truly not living a life of loving kindness, towards me or them.
Whenever there is any sort of disagreement with this friend, they resort to declarative statements of reality that are either grounded in a disasterous ending to our friendship, or a statement of how there is something wrong with me. I do not hide my struggle with depression from this friend, nor do I say that I am going to be able to do anything that I dont think I can do.
But still when the issue of them getting their needs met is different than what I want to do or think is healthy for me, they usually get angry and say those things that hurt. Today they said that they “could not be around you(meaning me) for the rest of your life in your depression.” They said that they could not be around anyone “as sick as you(meaning me) are,” and have a good life.
Here is where I need to say that this relationship is not going to work. My history, my wounds, which used to be how I viewed the world through, says I should be empathetic and compassionate towards my friend. I do need to be those things to them.
However, it is my loving kind self which needs to remember that they are projecting onto me and until I remove myself from their world, they may and probably will continue to project themself onto me. That helps neither me nor them, so I must lose a close friend to be true to who I am. This is not going to be easy as it is going to require me to make a major change in my life again.
The lesson for me to learn here is that I am not responsible for those around me. I am not responsible for their pain and the tension they have in life because of their history and pain and their unhappiness that they cant seem to not let control them.
I pray to the Ggods to help me stand tall and take care of myself while showing loving kindness to my dear friend.
123 RV, RW, SA, JW, PA
Quotes by James Hillman. *Hillman doesnt agree with this quote. He uses it to show how psychoanalysis is not helping the individual but limiting them.
It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission