“Tears, sorrow, and disappointment are bitter,…”

stunning-dolomites-mount“…but wisdom is the comforter in all psychic suffering.”[1]When I first read this quote, I thought there was no truth to these words and am still not a firm believer in the statement.  I have  and still have a lot of disappointment, sorrow and tears, but I don’t believe that I have a lot of wisdom to share right now.

I think I have adequate skills at interpreting and analysis, but not necessarily in imparting any wisdom at this time.   I  have a lot of experience from being in my depression for say the last 7 years, with only the last 3.5  years being diagnosed with it.  So the first 3.5 years of my depression was covert. That meant that I didnt know what was “wrong,” with me for the 3.5 years of my depression.

Right now I dont have much to offer to others as far as wisdom.  I am suffering myself and have virtually shut down in my relating to the outside world for the last week.  I have only gone to two AA meetings this last week.  It is not that I am criticizing my lack of attendance at AA.  It is that when I feel really low, I become reclusive and shut down. I dont like this behavior, it is just so familiar.

love-on-the-branch-tomas-sereda“Indeed, bitterness and wisdom form a pair of alternatives: where there is bitterness wisdom is lacking, and where wisdom is there can be no bitterness.”[1] It seems to me that the depression is manifested in the bitterness towards life of abuse in my history.

“In our most private and most subjective lives, we are not only the passive witnesses of our age, and its sufferers, but also its makers. We make our own epoch.”[1]  This is what angers me off right now.  The history of psychic wounds that I carry I can continue to re-live them which makes me do anything to stop them.

20131022-143123.jpgFor me is what alcoholism is.  I ingested materials, in my case drugs and alcohol, to soothe or mask the wounds that I carry from the abuse.  But doing that makes it so I dont deal with the wounds.  But I keep doing it, like Pavlov’s dog, because I “think,” I get temporary relief by doing some act which keeps me unconscious, from re-experiencing the pain.  It is not being unconscious that is the problem in and of itself.  It is doing behavior which is not in my own best interests which is the problem.

As I wrote a couple of days ago, the hardest thing to do is be conscious.  I try hard to stay conscious, but there are times when I am not and I am telling on myself by writing this.

20131022-142747.jpgMy dear friend said last night something to the effect of if there was this loving Ggod that this Ggod would relieve of us of this suffering that we have.

I wonder about it right now also.  I dont feel like I have wisdom to offer because life is too much about the tears, sorrow and disappointment and I am struggling to not stay there.  I am praying that Ggod grants me the courage to keep moving forward towards wisdom.

[1] Carl Jung

123 RV, SA, JW.  R.I.P. Jason B.

baby-owl-learning-to-fly-peter-brannon

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3 thoughts on ““Tears, sorrow, and disappointment are bitter,…”

  1. Thank you for sharing. Your words are truly heartfelt. I want to hug you!

    Your friend mentioned “If there was this loving God that this God would relieve us of this suffering that we have.”

    I believe that God is loving and kind. He may not provide instant miracles, but he cares about us so much that he sends us “helpers,” in the form of family, friends, healthcare providers, support groups, et cetera. We just have to keep praying. Our prayers may not be answered as quickly as we’d like or in the manner that we’d like, but “help” will come. Please keep your faith. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You had the strength to go to two AA meetings. That’s fantastic! It’s certainly better than none. You are not alone. You are loved. You are in my prayers.

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