Take the Long Way Home

img_5264Good Morning God.  I know you are there. Please answer.  I am dieing each day on the inside, and cannot stand the outside world anymore.  And that is where the answer is.  God works through people. On the outside.   Help me.  Every breath I take is all about death.  I want out.  Just out.  All my life I have wanted out.  At least I think so.  Grant me the serenity to accept this condition.  It is the only way it will heal.

church-burg-hohenzollern-adina-buligaI have been in my house for three months now.  Rarely venture out.  The anxiety and depression has robbed me of my  voice.  I can barely hit the keys of the keyboard right now.  My brain is on fire all day long.  I take pills to sleep given to me from the my doctor.  They are running out and I cannot get back there to get more. What do I do know?  Right this instance.  I left my work at the office just sitting there.  Three hour was all I could take the last time I was there.  I am finished.  I am finished.  I am sorry to all.  I cannot do this anymore.

I cannot walk down my street.  I was walking everyday for a couple of months.  now I dread it.  I dread everything.  I eat only to survive one more day in case this changes.  My friends keep saying this will change.  I am exhausted.  What happened to my laugh.  It is gone.  I cannot remember the last time I laughed.  Please God, please God.  Come to me right now.   The anxiety this morning, it is all there is.

normal1-e1385992240158It is all there is.  My friend ask me yesterday about going to the hospital.  I will not go.  I have been before and cannot handle the thought of doing it again.  Death is more appealing than going into hospital to get put on drugs so I will not hurt myself.  I stayed stoned for several years, all the way through 2011. Now I am almost three years sober and I cannot do life.  Or is it, will not.  I have lost my mind.  I have lost my mind.

I just want to feel normal.  Just normal.

 Unable to  Ranymore, yet I have nothing else to do. I just pace and smoke.  I am turning 59 years old next month and I do not think I will get there.


123 RV, SA, JW  R.I.P. Jason



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