In the end it is our unshieldedness on which we depend.*

dsc00532I read this quote and immediately responded with disbelief.  I know now that when my fear is triggered immediately when I read, hear, feel or observe something, it is usually my history, my fear that I constructed from my past experiences that is governing my thought process.

You see, my life has been about creating the shield that I have thought was going to protect me.

I saw a dear friend today.  I saw him suffering and not knowing how to get out of it.  I can relate because  I suffer too. There is nothing more difficult for me to see than to see my friends suffer.  Because what is hard for me is that there is nothing I can do to help them except for just to be there to listen to them and to tell  them that they are not alone.  That is the most screwed up part of our dis-ease, we think we have to get through it alone.

dsc01206What I am in the process of learning is something I have known before and and am relearning again. It is so simple yet it is the most difficult thing to do.

“All I want to be is conscious.”** I am learning that if I can do this more and more, and have that connection to that little place inside of my self where everything is, just is, I can do the things that bring me joy and feed my spirit.

dsc05521I haven’t been doing that lately.  I have gone into a small period of depression that seems overwhelming.  I know that it isnt, but it seems that way at times.  I know when it is deep when I first wake up and that pall comes over me, that fog drops over my mind, and I spend most of the rest of the day trying not to give up.  It is obvious that I haven’t given up.  But it is a struggle, and has been for about a week.  That is why you haven’t seen much coming out of me in the last week.

I miss writing, but I haven’t had it in me to do anything of depth.

finger touching nose of baby

*R. M. Rilke**  I started saying this about 5 years ago
123 RV, SA, JW  R.I.P. Jason B.
All pictures except “Point boy, ” right above here are from blog.  Check  it out.  I love the Giant Redwood at the top. Look at the man at the bottom of the picture in the blue coat! is the best resource I know about working to stay conscious and what blocks it the most.

One thought on “In the end it is our unshieldedness on which we depend.*

  1. “I am learning that if I can do this more and more, and have that connection to that little place inside of my self where everything is, just is, I can do the things that bring me joy and feed my spirit.”

    I have been pushing myself a little bit to make art. Often making art brings me joy and feeds my spirit, but if I’m feeling sad and grieving, I slow down and don’t want to do much. Then, I look around the mess in my home I haven’t attended to because I’m feeling sad about how my ex-brother in law died and what I was told about my family and I’ve been grieving for multiple things, I feel guilty for making art so I don’t do what brings me joy and feeds my spirit. I have to train myself think of it differently. To do what gives energy first, then do the necessary things that take energy away.

    I’m thinking of it in terms of keeping the energy moving. Sadness and despair causes the slowdown. Some part of the inner critic (internalized abusive parent I have) tells me, “You don’t deserve to be happy”…but that’s not true. It’s not true at all.

    I know I take in the sadness and upset of others. I have deep empathy and compassion become like a lightening rod for this stuff. But then, if I don’t know how to quickly clear it, it becomes trapped within me. I don’t like this ‘dammed up’ feeling of emotions that may not even be mine.

    I’m trying to figure out now what to do about this. Sometimes I just wish to stay away from people who are negative or going through tough times. However, that’s practically everybody. And, staying away from people hurts me, because isolating myself is the worst thing for me. I am an extroverted introvert. I love people, but need my down time to recover.

    I’m going through the ACA/DF (Adult Child of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families) Redbook and that is pulling up some tough things in me. I am on chapter 2, the part about control and how much of my life has been an attempt to control the insanity around me (family of origin stuff, husband’s, and other people’s). I think, at some level, my depression is a self-inflicted method of control. I sense that much of it may be under my control and I truly think that what is operating is the negative messages I am telling myself about what is going on, both inside me and outside me. I don’t think I always hear the negative messages, but they are there.

    Have you identified what brings you joy and feeds your spirit? Do you ‘put your oxygen mask on first’ and DO those things? Even if you work at whatever it is for 15 minutes a day, at least it’s SOMETHING towards what you love.

    I’m going to start doing that. Even as I say that, I feel internal resistance to making that time a priority. But I must if I’m going to help myself. I have SO much recovery work ahead of me and it’s incredibly overwhelming and scary. But I’m committed to it. There has to be a better way than I have been living. I have to believe that ACA is telling me the truth, that there IS a better way, and i’m going to learn how. I’ve suffered enough. I don’t have to keep mistreating myself like I was mistreated.


    big hugs…

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