I read this quote and immediately responded with disbelief. I know now that when my fear is triggered immediately when I read, hear, feel or observe something, it is usually my history, my fear that I constructed from my past experiences that is governing my thought process.
You see, my life has been about creating the shield that I have thought was going to protect me.
I saw a dear friend today. I saw him suffering and not knowing how to get out of it. I can relate because I suffer too. There is nothing more difficult for me to see than to see my friends suffer. Because what is hard for me is that there is nothing I can do to help them except for just to be there to listen to them and to tell them that they are not alone. That is the most screwed up part of our dis-ease, we think we have to get through it alone.
“All I want to be is conscious.”** I am learning that if I can do this more and more, and have that connection to that little place inside of my self where everything is, just is, I can do the things that bring me joy and feed my spirit.
I haven’t been doing that lately. I have gone into a small period of depression that seems overwhelming. I know that it isnt, but it seems that way at times. I know when it is deep when I first wake up and that pall comes over me, that fog drops over my mind, and I spend most of the rest of the day trying not to give up. It is obvious that I haven’t given up. But it is a struggle, and has been for about a week. That is why you haven’t seen much coming out of me in the last week.
I miss writing, but I haven’t had it in me to do anything of depth.