Love me or release me.

flow_water_fall When we come into the world, we start to collect memories. Save for a few people I know, almost all of our memories of events go into what we call our unconscious. We cant remember most of the events of our lives, as I dont think our brains are meant to keep so many images in consciousness. So we have a whole bunch of memories that go into our unconscious. If you dont think its true then try remember what you did all day, every event, image, thought, interaction that happened yesterday and recite it back to yourself.

I cant even tell you what time I got up yesterday. But wait, it’s not that easy. I have this problem. All of the stimulus that I take in, I REMEMBER, unconsciously. But I dont have the ability to recall it, intellectually, when something in today triggers a memory.

columbiariver-4663So what that means is that the images I have collected, stored and have access to, unconsciously only, which means I cant remember that as what they truly were, were with all of my senses. I can only remember them from the memory that I can recall them with. Whether that is sight, smell, touch, feel, hear or any combination of them is not anything I have control over.

So I guess what I am saying here is that I have all my senses to remember with, IN MY BODY, and cannot at time recall them with my brain. So what that says is that I get these impulses, these stimuli, that usually warn me of some imminent danger. I know, I know, how can a memory know what is happening today? It can’t, but that does not stop it from warning me of that danger again.

singapore-bay-hotelNo the memory is not of today. The event of today is triggering a memory of yesterday. But I cant tell the difference if the danger is imminent or historical.

If this doesnt make sense to you, try to remember the last time you had a close call in the street with a vehicle, or the last time a friend, and I include a significant other in this category, said something to you that just raised your ire, or made you afraid. If you can recall that, it may have been, I reiterate, the intense stimulus might have been from a memory of yesterday.

img_1278They have names for this stuff but that really isnt important here. What is is hopefully someone can connect to it.

I am tired of the black and white thinking that some of my friends have for my relationships with other friends. I kept it vague so as not to offend any of my close friends who read this.

This is for Steve. Sobriety is what we do when no one is looking.

123 RV, SA, JW

100_1608finger touching nose of baby

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2 thoughts on “Love me or release me.

  1. Oh, it makes sense to me.

    These mechanisms do have a protective purpose – to enhance our ability to survive. In a way, I’m grateful to them. They are a gift.

    But at the same time, continual stimulation of the nervous system leads to burnout and other health problems.

    Something I decided, for my own benefit, was to cut out friends and limit contact with family who caused problems. Mostly so I could stop getting ensnared in other people’s drama and try to rescue them (which I admit somehow made me feel important) and I can work on my own health.

    If these people triggered my automatic responses, I owed it to myself to pull back from them. I didn’t blame them, nor me. I just knew that for my own recovery, I had to cut some people out or limit contact while I worked on my own emotional well-being.

    Since I had this habit of rescuing other people, limiting my social group helped me to stop the rescuing which fed the addiction to drama. I could still be important without taking on the role of rescuer.

    I used to have a lot of friends. I can say, I have no close ones right now, in real life (though i guess I would say my husband and I are re-learning how to be friends again). I have a lot of acquaintances though. I used to be upset I hard a hard time finding new friends, but I’m glad for it because I think having friends would have been a distraction from the healing work I needed to do. I do have a few close email friends, though, which does provide connection.

    I’m enjoying my relative solitude and feel glad my nervous system isn’t being triggered.

    I go to a weekly adult child of alcoholics meeting, but what I like about that is that these are people who are working on their own stuff and share from their experience and let me share from my experience and they don’t tell me how to work on my own stuff and they don’t tell me to get over it already. ACoA is built on a trauma model and while at first I was skeptical about it, I am glad for what I’m learning there and the fellowship and no one looks at you in horror for sharing deeply personal things or being angry or anything. Quite the contrary, when someone shares from their experience, there’s always resonance, at some level. It’s nice to know that people feel safe to cry with you or let you be angry if you need to be angry. And it’s good because we don’t hold back whatever it is that needs to be said to try and be ‘nice’ and not offend anyone. All emotions are okay. And we aren’t responsible for fixing anyone’s problems but our own. Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling more at peace lately. IDK.

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