As I’ve said before, I believe that the fates drag those who won’t. I had so much fear of feeling all those feelings that I had run from my whole life. The oddest thing about all that is about 25 years ago I started this path and did lots of cognitive therapy and other alternative methods of healing. I thought I was “through,” all of that stuff. What I have since learned is that I had to keep the depression covert during a time of life where I made some life changing decisions. Hell, the decision to become an attorney, instead of following my bliss, was a way for me to keep the depression covert. No better place to hide than in the church of the rational and logic, and stay out of the realm of the intuitive, the mythological, the soul, the heart!
“The only way out is through.” [ii] My Ggod decided that I had not gone all the way through the pain that was making me act out; the pain that was making me act not in conformity with my nature. This process was and can be at times a living hell.
Because what I’ve learned in this process is that the world, and in particular those who act like they are whole, won’t accept you for being human, frail, and imperfect. As Brene Brown says, men can’t be vulnerable. Based on that concept I had nowhere to turn. It’s true, because when I would start talking about the pain in meetings, you could see the people turn away from me. I am not complaining about this, I am observing and reporting about it. What I need to remember is those who think they are sane, usually aren’t, and vice versa. I have had to make choices about where I went to get my support. I stopped going to meetings where I was not getting support for my depression.
As I am now in the process of healing and moving forward I have come to the conclusion that it is the errors of omission that are the most harmful. Lack of connection to the parent(s), emotionally, is the wound that has the most effect.
It’s easy for me to see what happened to me made me depressed. It is those people in my life who didn’t get molested, who didn’t get verbally and physically abused who seem to have the hardest time understanding why they have depression. My dear friend Renee seemed to get a similar kind of abuse that I did. I have a lot of empathy for those who think they’re crazy and don’t know why. Most of them think they were raised “normally.”
Then, he may resolve his hidden depression by learning about self care and healthy esteem. [iii] This is the part of my journey where I am now. As I have let my outside world go to do the inner work, I have learned that most people will say they are okay with you wherever you are in life. But what is true, really true for most of them, is they don’t want anything around them that is either “negative,” or not normal. Like anybody knows what normal is!
123 RV, SA, JW
That is one of my mentors, to the right there. Joseph Campbell. I am reposting this. Someone in a meeting asked me what it meant to have overt vs. covert depression.
[i] Terrence Real I Dont Want to Talk About It. pg. 63 [ii] Fritz Perls[iii] Terrence Real I Dont Want to Talk About It. pg. 63