I just want to be left alone. I just want to be held forever. I hate myself and yearn to love myself. I have great compassion for others but cannot seem to afford it to myself. I want the chatter to stop . I want the tears to stop. I want to embrace and accept who I am and the fact I have a disease. It’s not my fault. I didn’t ask for it. Yet it remains. I want to let go of guilt and shame. I want to feel grounded w a strong sense of self. I want to not isolate, not feel unworthy, not feel like I have nothing to contribute. I want to connect, participate, be of value.
At the very same time I want all these things, I have thoughts of killing myself. I wrestle with them. Is it true? Is the world better off with out me? Is it true I am a burden to my husband and few friends. Is it true this is the only way out?
It all feels like too much today. I always wonder if perhaps I’m not trying hard enough. What is it? What is it I should be doing? What is it I’m not doing? I get tired of this very battle.
I sit alone at my house. Headphones on listening to calming music to ease the internal chaos. The lights are too bright. Outside noise too loud. So unsettled. So many tears stain my face. My jaw is tight. I want to jump out of my skin.
My therapist wants me to consider a little higher level of care. She told me she was worried. All I hear is you are weak. You can’t do this. And it’s true. I can’t. I may need more help. I don’t want to need more help. But that doesn’t change anything. My way is not working.
123 RV, SA, JW