This depression, the anxiety, the hopelessness, is crushing me. My mother used to always say to me, “my son, my son, you are like a caged animal. So you see, I have lived 58 years feeling caged. Always with a sense that whatever I am doing, I had to be somewhere else. ALways. I have spent an entire lifetime justifying my existence by things outside of me. So today I played guitar, then I ride my motorcycle, then I worked out. Then I would work. I would pray for Monday Mornings so I could get out of my head. years and years of AA meetings, not to remain sober, but to point to fact that i did something. I reached out. That I reached out and helped somebody else. The meter constantly running in my head,
After yesterday’s meeting, i don’t think I have ever felt as hopeless. It ends and I barely made it home. Then the swirl started.. What to do. I’ll do laundry. I called friends. I turned on the TV to drown out the thoughts. ANXIETY. ANXIETY. Nothing but anxiety. No peace to be found. I walked. A friend came over. What drugs do I take or not take . Do I kill myself today. I cannot take another Monday morning of not being able to go to work. Of this nothing. Everyday. Nothing. I try. I pray. I walk. I am so tired of the walks. Of trying to figure out where is the peace in my soul. I cannot speak in only yes or no. Please God come to me now. This is indeed my greatest hour of intervention. I watched Wayne Dyer’s movie yesterday, The Shift.
God it was hard to look into this man’s face on the screen. To see his peace and conviction of living.
Why can’t I have that. Why can’t I just sit right here and love myself, right now. Be kind and gentle to myself. To walk down the street and just smile. and relax. What am I to do. When will this change.
It has before. Last year at this time I was just like this, but there remained a glimmer of hope. I went back to work. I went back to meetings. I went into the world and it felt good. Then this November came and it left me. I could not sit at my desk any longer. Could not show up for appointments. Could not show up.
I feel finished right here and now/. Just done with this thing. I have therapy in the morning. How the fuck will I even get there. I don’t want to talk about myself anymore. 35 years of therapy and here I sit, unable to greet the next person that may cross my path. I know this is an inside job. I know this. My ego, the anxiety, the depression keeps me from it. I don’t want anybody to know I am so broken inside.
123 RV, SA, JW