Why..am..I…?

humming-bird-and-snake I am supposed to be doing something with my life and I just cannot stand still long enough to do it.

This depression, the anxiety, the hopelessness, is crushing me.  My mother used to always say to me, “my son, my son, you are like a caged animal.  So you see, I have lived 58 years feeling caged.  Always with a sense that whatever I am doing, I had to be somewhere else.  ALways.  I have spent an entire lifetime justifying my existence by things outside of me.  So today I played guitar, then I ride my motorcycle, then I worked out.  Then I would work.  I would pray for Monday Mornings so I could get out of my head.  years and years of AA meetings, not to remain sober, but to point to fact that i did something.  I reached out.  That I reached out and helped somebody else.  The meter constantly running in my head,

china20holding20hands20for20portfolio1After yesterday’s meeting, i don’t think I have ever felt as hopeless.  It ends and I barely made it home.  Then the swirl started..  What to do.  I’ll do laundry.  I called friends.  I turned on the TV to drown out the thoughts.  ANXIETY.  ANXIETY.  Nothing but anxiety. No peace to be found.  I walked.  A friend came over.  What drugs do I take or not take .  Do I kill myself today.  I cannot take another Monday morning of not being able to go to work.  Of this nothing.  Everyday. Nothing.  I try.  I pray.  I walk.  I am so tired of the walks.  Of trying to figure out where is the peace in my soul.  I cannot speak in only yes or no.  Please God come to me now.  This is indeed my greatest hour of intervention.  I watched Wayne Dyer’s movie yesterday, The Shift.

God it was hard to look into this man’s face on the screen.  To see his peace and conviction of living.

incence-dean-forbesWhy can’t I have that.  Why can’t I just sit right here and love myself, right now.  Be kind and gentle to myself.  To walk down the street and just smile.  and relax.  What am I to do.  When will this change.

It has before.  Last year at this time I was just like this, but there remained a glimmer of hope.  I went back to work.   I went back to meetings.  I went into the world and it felt good.  Then this November came and it left me.  I could not sit at my desk any longer.  Could  not show up for appointments.  Could not show up.

flag-high-thomas-jeppesenI feel finished right here and now/.  Just done with this thing.  I have therapy in the morning.  How the fuck will I even get there.  I don’t want to talk about myself anymore.  35 years of therapy and here I sit, unable to greet the next person that may cross my path.  I know this is an inside job.  I know this.  My ego, the anxiety, the depression keeps me from it.  I don’t want anybody to know I am so broken inside.

Willem3655

123 RV, SA, JW

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2 thoughts on “Why..am..I…?

  1. I felt as though I will do more than “like” your thoughts… In this vast universe where times seem uncertain; there are tiny particles of light that surround us. I am a particle holding and allowing around you… Much peace and light to your heart… Linda

  2. But you have such sweet appreciation of beautiful images. That is part of you also. That beauty is inside you, not outside. You could not appreciate it if that softness and tenderness were not already part of you.

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