“Being lived by powers we pretend to understand”*

   dawn  After I read  this quote yesterday I went for a walk and ended up in the cemetery.  (I want to understand  what we are doing here, so I can share it with others so that they can get better.)  I went to the cemetery to see my Grandmas grave.  I was walking away from it and as I was walking along, interestingly in the opposite direction than where I needed to go, I found my 5th grade teachers headstone.  That brought back wonderful memories.  In my hometown, they put the academically smart kids together in 5th grade.  Ms. Meldrum was our teacher.
20131101-063008.jpgShe was a proud, upright woman.  Even then she had that long flowing white hair that teachers had then.  She was  around 50 when I was in 5th grade.  I remember Ms. Meldrum, because like Ms. Toews, my first grade teacher, she was a woman really liked me and supported me.
I guess I went to my Grandmas grave to get some psychic energy from her.  Since I had never met her, my only image of her was in the pictures i saw when I was a kid.  She looked a lot like my Aunt Charlotte, who also loved and supported me.
Wow what I am noticing when I write this is how much I  am looking for the images of love and support from all the women in my life, presently and historically, from every woman except one, my mother.
me brad and Maria Jung talks about the energy of the feminine, the anima, that we all carry.  I dont know about that, I only know that I need something that i am looking for in the images of women.  If anyone has any input on this idea I would love to hear it.
This journey through depression can be hellish.  Yesterday was a hard day, however, please dont think that it was not a rewarding one.  I talked to friends who love me, I found solace, albeit temporarily, from sitting at my grandmother’s grave.
fieldsPlease say a prayer for all of those who are suffering.  There is a dis-ease that is creeping into the soul of the world.  I cant tell you how long it has been here or why it is.  I can only tell you that the pace of the race is increasing.  Why?  Is it because that part of our being  we are dissociated from that we need is starting to make it’s power felt.
I know that this does not bring my friend’s  relief from their suffering.  I am working on trying to learn how to do that.  Not just for them, but for us.  If I heal, you heal,  If you heal, I heal.  It is that simple.
123 RV, SA, JW
*My dear friend Lacy posted this on our Facebook page for our class in college yesterday.  It is something James Hillman said at a symposium on Jung’s Red Book.

7 thoughts on ““Being lived by powers we pretend to understand”*

  1. That title is really interesting. So much of how we think and what we do comes from the unconscious which we don’t understand even as we (may) think we understand ourselves. So who knows why you’re drawn drawn to these pictures of women/women’s energy. Maybe they are symbolic of women’s energy.

    • BB
      It’s interesting in that when I went for a walk yesterday my intention was never to go to the cemetery. It was just as I was heading home from my circle of walking that I decided to go visit my grandma’s grave. When I last really remember visiting her grade over 40 years ago the trees were not tall.
      So I went there looking yesterday with that image of where her headstone was. Needless to say it took me a while to find it as the trees got quite large during that time.
      During those 40 to 45 years since the last time I really went there the trees got big enough for me to sit against and one was right next to her headstone so I could see her headstone when I was sitting against the tree crying.
      I think the greatest thing that came out of yesterday was I really don’t know where to look for the energy that I need. I just know that I need to follow those intuitions and voices inside of me that are supportive and loving
      As always it’s good to read your thoughts

  2. One thing I’ve found, since I didn’t have a mother who ever held me when I was hurting, or even touched me except to slap me, that I didn’t know how to really love, like and support myself.

    I didn’t like women for the LONGEST time (and I’m a woman). I think I’d been looking for that feminine love and nurturing and guidance too, and didn’t know it. In all the women I’ve had in my life (grandmother, mother and sisters) and the few female friends I’d had. I’ve really not found any real comfort, but instead a lot of relational bullying, manipulation, judgment, and betrayal. And a lot of religious guilt-tripping.

    I’m patching up some deep holes inside. I used to think I could use other people to help support me, to give me what I needed. It turns out, that only served to hurt me more when they couldn’t possibly give me what I thought I needed – and a lot of things I thought I needed weren’t really what I needed after all…

    I have been visited by visions of healing feminine presence when I was either meditating or crying. I’d been comforted by some very ancient, wise women once and another time by a younger mother figure who I saw in my mind’s eye who was stroking my hair and told me I was going to be okay.

    Adult children need to learn how to re-parent themselves. For me, I realize this involves a lot of imagination, a lot of visualization (prior to that I read a lot of different things on human development and trauma). Sometimes I’ve visualized my inner child crying in the dark, turned away from me, in the early days. Sometimes I could get really mad that she was even hurting and made things difficult for me. But over time, I learned to love her and feel her/my pain. I learned more compassionate presence for her/myself from listening to audiobooks or reading the books of Tara Brach, Jack Kornfield, and Pema Chodron. Yes, though I could be compassionate with other people, I had no ability to be compassionate to myself, to even be present to my own pain. Strange, isn’t it?

    Healing is hard work. It can’t possibly be easy, when you’ve stored 20, 30, 40 years of pain up. Sometimes I think to myself, why do I expect it to be easy? how can I possibly expect it to be easy? I can’t short-cut this process, no matter how much I’d like to.

    Anyway…I have to go…my daughter wants me to read to her.

    I hope you have a nice night.

  3. Prayers for you and for everyone who’s suffering.

    Perhaps you’re simply looking for that deep, primally needed motherly love. I believe we all need it. Some of us didn’t get our needs met, so we still long go for it.

    Love to you…

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