I just heard this. I was thinking about the memories of life that I can hold onto that keep me waking up and getting up and dealing with this depression. I was just talking with a dear friend and I said I didnt know what to write about today because I had nothing to say. I have no new thoughts to share with you.
They said something more profound than anything I could say to you. I asked them what their plan was for the day and they said, “Not kill myself.” This brings me to tears in this moment. I am sad today.
My friends think that when I say things like I am sad today that that is who I am. They love me dearly and I know they only want the best for me. What I have learned is that my feelings are like my thoughts. Hear for only a moment and then gone.
I think the sadness many of us feel is because we have this terrible disconnection from ourselves, from our hearts and souls. Hopefully you got to read the Fanatic’s words from yesterday. That is what I am talking about. We think so much about what we are not. We think that we are supposed to be this person. This idealized, Madison Avenue type of person.
But it is that fallacy that keeps us striving for something. Trying to measure it in the words that we can put down onto paper. Trying to measure it in the dollars we have, the things we possess, the outward manifestation of some “perfect,” life.
Well the person whose psychology I am in the process of studying, Carl Jung, had a psychotic break for years. Thats right, a genius had a psychotic break.
Campbell says “The schizophrenic is drowning in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight.” We think that there is some objective normal as far as personality, mentality or way of life. How crazy is that!
The hardest task for me right now in my life is listening to others say what I “should,” do. The problem is that when I hear it, if I am not conscious, I revert to that place in my mind where I interpret everything through the meanings I have constructed of how I am supposed to react to the other person’s word.
I am stuck in the constructed reality of how I am “supposed” to act. I am trying to live my life through this historic perspective. But wait…….that is the meaning that was imbued into me when I didnt know any better. These are the thoughts of the dead.
I have always said that traditions are the deads rules for the living. In most cases I think we dont truly live unless we go down paths that others haven’t. I know how much of a challenge and a fearful, frightening journey it can be. It is just that for me right now.
But there is no choice. If I want to create different images to remember my life through, it means not always honoring the dead’s rules for the living.
I am listening to Bruce sing Woody Guthries “I Aint Got No Home,” and I smile. Why?
123 RV, SA, JW