“Meanings dont carry you through, but the images are your companions.”

SONY DSCI just heard this.  I was thinking about the memories of life that I can hold onto that keep me waking up and getting up and dealing with this depression.  I was just talking with a dear friend and I said I didnt know what to write about today because I had nothing to say.  I have no new thoughts to share with you.

chania-by-night-greece-chris-bardThey said something more profound than anything I could say to you.  I asked them what their plan was for the day and they said, “Not kill myself.”  This brings me to tears in this moment.  I am sad today.

My friends think that when I say things like I am sad today that that is who I am.  They love me dearly and I know they only want the best for me.  What I have learned is that my feelings are like my thoughts.  Hear for only  a moment and then gone.

butterfly-bluesI think the sadness many of us feel  is because we have this terrible disconnection from ourselves, from our hearts and souls.  Hopefully you got to read the Fanatic’s words from yesterday.  That is what I am talking about.  We think so much about what we are not.  We think that we are supposed to be this person.  This idealized, Madison Avenue type of person.

But it is that fallacy that keeps us striving for something.  Trying to measure it in the words that we can put down onto paper.  Trying to measure it in the dollars we have, the things we possess, the outward manifestation of some “perfect,” life.

Well the person whose psychology I am in the process of studying, Carl Jung, had a psychotic break for years.  Thats right, a genius had a psychotic break.

Campbell says “The schizophrenic is drowning in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight.”  We think that there is some objective normal as far as personality, mentality or way of life.  How crazy is that!

flickerThe hardest task for me right now in my life is listening to others say what I “should,” do.  The problem is that when I hear it, if I am not conscious, I revert to that place in my mind where I interpret everything through the meanings I have constructed of how I am supposed to react to the other person’s word.

I am stuck in the constructed reality of how I am “supposed” to act.  I am trying to live my life through this historic perspective.  But wait…….that is the meaning that was imbued into me when I didnt know any better.  These are the thoughts of the dead.

charcoal-sketch-lil-princess-geraldine-arlezaI have always said that traditions are the deads rules for the living.  In most cases I think we dont truly live unless we go down paths that others haven’t.  I know how much of a challenge and a fearful, frightening journey it can be.  It is just that for me right now.

But there is no choice.  If I want to create different images to remember my life through, it means not always honoring the dead’s rules for the living.

I am listening to Bruce sing Woody Guthries “I Aint Got No Home,”  and I smile.  Why?

Why not?

123 RV, SA, JW

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7 thoughts on ““Meanings dont carry you through, but the images are your companions.”

  1. “I think the sadness many of us feel is because we have this terrible disconnection from ourselves, from our hearts and souls.”

    I think so too. So do many of the books I read.

    Here’s but one quote:

    “I have no words to describe my loneliness, my sadness, or my anger.

    I have no words to speak my need for exchange, understanding, recognition.

    So I criticize, I insult, or I strike.

    Or have my fix, abuse alcohol, or get depressed.

    Violence, expressed within or without, results from a lack of vocabulary; it is the expression of a frustration that has no words to express it.

    And there are good reasons for that; most of us have not acquired a vocabulary for our inner life. We never learned to describe accurately what we are feeling and what needs we had. Since childhood, however, we have learned a host of words. We can talk about history, geography, mathematics, science, or literature; we can describe computer technology or sporting technique and hold forth on the economy or the law. But the words for life within…when did we learn them? As we grew up, we became alienated from our feelings and needs in an attempt to listen to those of our mother or father, brothers and sisters, schoolteachers, et al. “Do what mommy says…Do what is expected of you”

    ~ Thomas D’Ansembourg, Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real (based on Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication process).

    ***
    It’s the “shoulds” in life that damages this connection to Self. It’s the external orientation that messes with our heads and makes us doubt what’s good for our own Self.

    “I know how much of a challenge and a fearful, frightening journey it can be. It is just that for me right now.”

    Boy, do I get that…truly.

    I’m wishing you a little bit of peace today. I know, for me, I’m just going to have to make peace with fear and anxiety. There’s not much else I can do. If it’s going to be a constant companion, I might as well pretend treat it like a guest of honor, no?

    Hugs…

  2. I regularly check in on your writing, because what you have to say resonates like no other blog I’ve discovered, and because reading what you write is like listening to a friend that gets your pain and confusion, but is able to express it so much better. “Not kill myself,” as the goal for the day: how many of us there must be who can truly relate to that. And I agree with Casey regarding the destructive power of “should’s”.

    • Julie,
      It’s good to see you reply.
      I’m sitting here in the cemetery in my hometown and I’m sitting next to my grandmothers gravesite. I never got to meet her because she died before I was born. She died from the same abuse that my grandfather gave to my dad and my dad gave to me.

      I came here today because I need help. All I can do is sit next to her grave and cry
      I need some courage, because I don’t have any of this moment right now to take care of myself. It’s Brutally difficult for me to stand up for what’s mine. I sit here in this moment and all I want to do is have her hold me so I can just cry this out. I’m ashamed that am putting this on the blog but I don’t know what else to do with the pain When I saw your comment I felt like I had permission to say what it is that I need to say.
      Thanks for your support and your encouragement.
      Jim

      • When I read your message, Jim, it just made me think, “Ahhh,” imagining your grandmother holding you. They really can, you know. My grandma lived with us for 15 years. She’s been gone for many years, but she’s still with me. I mean it. I can feel her. There’s nothing like a grandma as a guardian angel. I bet your grandma is yours. Otherwise, why would you be drawn to her? I think it’s a wonderful place to be able to go and am glad you have where to go to talk and just be with a kindred spirit any time you like. I try to not underestimate the power of the spiritual world. I have so much faith in you and your healing and feel so confident that you will pull out of this, and once you’re on the other side of it, you’ll see clearly and things will make so much more sense. I see you as highly gifted with expression and “just” going through the hell of moving through lies and confusion. Abuse sucks royally and can have us losing so many years of our lives, but I strongly believe that those of us who are somehow able to endure and persevere and seek with determination not only come out the other end so much stronger and aware, but we also come out with a greatly enhanced capacity for compassion and understanding — and hopefully a determination and ability to fight for not only ourselves, but eventually also others who have found themselves in the same or similar boat. (serious run-on sentence) I believe your gifted ability to express is serving you well and will be a beacon of light for many. In the meantime, you are the center of your universe and worth all the time and effort it takes to grow strong. I will be praying for you. You can do this.

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