Raw Fanatic

eagle    Have you ever wanted to die? Not like I am so embarrassed I want to crawl under a rock and die. The real raw feeling of wanting to be dead. To check out. To extinguish. To no longer feel anything. To be done with life. These thoughts and feelings have been permeating my mind this past week. The thought of suicide haunts me and taunts. It’s a terrifying fantasy. It’s an escape plan. It feels like the only way out.

charcoal-sketch-lil-princess-geraldine-arlezaI went to see some music w my husband and some friends last night.  I simply found no joy in being out listening to music. I used to love it, get lost in it, let it take me away from reality. I wasn’t able to stay present enough to get swept up. My mind wondered if I knew how to make a noose. What kind of rope I need. Where to buy the rope. What length do I need? I should pay off my credit cards so my husband doesn’t incur any of my debt. I was then reminded my previous plan was a pretty good one.
On the car ride to the venue I had nothing to say. It’s almost as if I have forgotten how to talk w people on a basic level. The looming feeling I have nothing worthwhile to say, nothing to contribute.  I kept my shell in tact. It’s really sad to me.  It’s sad to feel like and believe the world is better off w out me.
charcoal-sketch-native-american-james-gunterI am in a dark place today. It’s too fucking familiar. I’m tired of it. I feel trapped in it. Maybe it’s all my fault. Before you start to say it’s not, let me just stop you. It doesn’t really matter.  They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It seems like this is true for pain as well. I carry on. Go through the motions. Put on appearances. I make sure I look okay on the outside. While on the inside, desperation screams. Desperate for relief. Desperate for a sense of purpose, of meaning. A sign I do matter. My existence is worthwhile.  Yet my scream goes unheard. It is silent. I do not reach out. I retreat. I choose to suffer alone. So you see, it is my fault.

123 RV, SA, JW

stubborn-look1

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4 thoughts on “Raw Fanatic

  1. I’ve also been in that dark space where it feels as if nothing I touch or say could possibly contribute to making this world a better place. Unfortunately I don’t have a magic answer. How I wish I did – then we’d both feel like singing and our space on earth would seem like a great place to say. Is there a safe place for you to go that will keep you safe? My thoughts are with you as you battle this terrible disease. Bless you.

  2. It is not your fault. Is it not. Digging in to put on a fake face is the hardest thing to do, and I do it everyday.
    Its it believable to you that I understand every word you wrote. I do. I yearn to be free of this beast.
    Peace and prayers to you and me and all who are in this place. It changes, but when!

  3. I have been there, I know the feeling, how nothing seems to make it better. It took me three years to get better and even though I feel better, I know that the feeling somehow will always be there, that I’ll always have to make the decision to go on. In the darkest days there was nothing that could make me feel better, no magical answer, but I hope that you believe me when I tell you: I does get better. Maybe slowly, but eventually it will.

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