If this is how I looked at my world, at this time, then I would have given up already. Five years ago, I had all those things we strive for, what many people think is the end all. But my heart was broken. It was broken because I could not be present in my own life. I could not enjoy what I had. I could not be free from the demons that encircled me. I was not able to stop the critical voices inside of me from taking over when no one was around. I beat myself up for the losses that came into my life.
So I went into this deep depression that, sadly to say, in many ways I am still in. I am better than I was 2 years ago, but it many ways it is still difficult. I was speaking with a friend this morning and said that the worst time for me is that moment when I wake up in the morning. If I have had a hard night, waking up often and and sometimes for long periods of time, then the worst thing happens for me, I think about not getting up. It is usually, I say usually, the only time when I dont care if I keep living, or not, at that time.
“Without time for loss, we don’t have time for soul.” This statement exemplifies what it is that keeps me going. I was brought here to do something. I dont have a clue what it is, as every thing I ever believed I was put here to do has been destroyed. Since I dont know what it is I am here to do, I needed and still need some direction. Hopefully it has been revealed to me.
“It’s very important for men to look downward, to the next generation.” I was writing about this the other day. I am writing about Bruce Springsteen’s album, “The Rising,” for one of my classes. I was looking at some of the 9/11 stuff again yesterday. What I saw were men acting like boys. Sorry, but while the planes were still flying, some of the actions by some of our “leaders,” (and I am not saying just the political ones) seemed more like boys who were confused and didn’t believe, were in denial about, what was happening to us.
I say this not to criticize, but to point out that we are sending boys, metaphorically and emotionally, to do jobs that they struggle to do. Why? Because we are not individuating as individuals. We are not dealing with the tensions of our inner lives. The ideas, thoughts and feelings that we stuff, that we repress, that we act as if they are not in us.
They are haunting us as we try to repress them and at the same time act as if we aren’t.
123 RV, SA, JW
All quotes by James Hillman
All the photos above are from a wonderful site. Go say hi to Cindy and look at the beautiful pictures. http://cindyknoke.com/