Anything Different

cabins-at-mt-assiniboine-lodge-british-columbiaIt’s morning and here I am sitting at the keyboard not knowing what else to do.  the anxiety beginning to grow and swell up inside of me.  Yesterday was a very difficult day and I am scared.  I found myself struggling to speak and to think.  I am so hopeful that will not be the case today. In a way I am afraid to for this depression to lift.  It has been my life now for two months and I have done nothing but walk and avoid people.  What will I do with myself.   Nothing to say.  The computer and the cell phone my only contact with the world.  God, why am I so afraid.  Why am I so depressed.  Why am I so anxious.  Why am I so tired.

split-decisionI have things to do and mostly cannot get to them.  Writing here and now is relief.  Another walk.

My landlord is coming over to the house today and I do not want to see him.  Nice man.  I am right now the same person he say several months ago.  Fake a smile.  Fake a conversation.  Fake.  Fake. Fake.

Today I need to love myself exactly as I am.  I can do it.  I must.  I must fine a way to to use this anxiety energy for living.  I deserve the best.  Nothing but the best and it must start with me.  Give these demons a name.  Welcome them.  Give them a voice.  I have not always been like this, yet below the surface of my facade, always like this.  When i ran out of steam at work two months ago, I just crashed.  And the depression grew and the anxiety grew.  Now I am pacing again.  Why.  Why can’t I just sit still and experience my thoughts and feelings.  Please Great Spirit help me.  Help me to be in this world without shame.  Without shame.  Suicide seems like an option all to often in my thoughts.  I am so tired of thinking like this.  What will I do with this day, besides pace and pray.  I do not know how much more of this I can stand.  Planning a day of survival, not living.  just survival.  i am sick of this.  What do I do.

chicago-north-side-scott-turnerI feel like there is no where to turn.  At all.  There is never peace in my thoughts or heart.  I cannot remember laughing.  Just a good old fashion laugh.  Its 7 AM and here I sit.  For 60 days I have had to force everything. Each move outside the door.  Calculated to the second.  I just cannot stand and talk.  Talk about plans for the future or the weather or what I did yesterday.  All I did yesterday was walk.  I talked to Jeff and Jim and and to Paul.  i want to be able to just hang out.  Go to a coffee shop.  Read the paper.   cannot stand to put the newspaper in my hand.  I pray my prayers our loud every morning and afternoon.  If the phone rings, I shake in terror.  Terror that I will have to show up somewhere and be found out.  Found out of being blank.  People are commenting all the time they hear it in my voice.  See it in the way i hold my body.

transparent-river-malaysiaFeel it in my breathing.  Lord God, send me my angle today.  Please.  I don’t want to pace anymore and just sit here in my house in total exhaustion.  Please God.  Please God.  Send me my angel.  I just got up and I am beyond tired.  Another day for me to find peace within.  Peace for myself.  Peace for all.  I just want to work some, play some, rest some.  That is all I am asking for.  Anything different.  Anything different.

 Love and light to me and all who my read this and understand.

 Willem 3655

123 RV, SA, JW

baby-owl-learning-to-fly-peter-brannon

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8 thoughts on “Anything Different

  1. “Today I need to love myself exactly as I am. I can do it. I must. I must fine a way to to use this anxiety energy for living. I deserve the best. Nothing but the best and it must start with me. Give these demons a name. Welcome them. Give them a voice.”

    Do the best you can each hour of each day. Remember though to cut yourself some slack. Healing takes time, but it will come. You are in my thoughts and prayers Willem.
    Debra

  2. “In a way I am afraid to for this depression to lift.”

    That’s an interesting comment. People often get attached to “life as we know it” even when it hurts them, don’t they? I wonder what you get out of it? The comfort of habit? The comfort of known identity? Maybe that’s something to think about.

    • I think I feel this way because I will not know what to do with myself. I left my job because I no longer knew what to do with it. Now two months later the thought of working or not working is killing me on the inside.
      I appreciate your comment very much. it is something to look at.

  3. Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer.~ Dorothy Rowe
    This is the paradox that people who dont suffer with it have a hard time understanding. No one in their right mind would choose this. We dont think we have a choice in it.

  4. Depression and anxiety are seductive. The only way I countered them was through medication (fortunately I found a really good meds doc) and exercise. Mobilizing, while extremely difficult, is the only way of getting out of the hole. Walk, run, ride a bicycle, swim, whatever feels even a little bit good. It not only distracts you but actually changes the chemicals in your brain. Remember….it is all about the brain chemicals. This is NOT you. Keep liking my posts so I know you are hanging in there.

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