It seems so simple. Get out of bed. Take shower. Get dressed. Eat breakfast. Kiss spouse goodbye. Drive to work. This only takes me about 1.5 hrs total to do these tasks. Yet they are so difficult. Maybe even impossible.
Depression has been kicking my butt for 2 weeks. You might be thinking, well that’s not really a very long time. If you have read previous posts you know I have bipolar disorder. So this is part of the roller coaster. Over the course of these past two weeks I have been paralyzed in bed, had a panic attack at work, bouts of insomnia with racing thoughts, and had serious suicidal thoughts. Making plans kinda thoughts. A darkness just descends over me. It feels like it takes over not only my mind but my body as well. I move slower, think slower.
The shame. The guilt. The overwhelming feeling of being a burden. The soul wrenching belief I should just end my life. The gut wrenching pain is too much to carry on. I would not wish this state on anyone. ANYONE!
Now I fell through this rabbit hole overnight. On a Friday I was feeling good. Making plans to be social, feeling productive at work, feeling alive and part of the world. My relationship with my husband felt back on track. No more walking on egg shells as we dance around each other and my issues.
Bam. Next morning I awake to a blanket of anxiety. Mid day I am steeped in agitation and can’t stand people. By nightfall I am no longer present. Then depression takes hold. Tears come for no apparent reason. Profound sense of lack of worthiness. Paralyzed. My friend texted me yesterday and asked how I was doing. My reply…I’m trying to talk myself out of just giving up.
Just as it comes it goes. Today I feel lighter. I actually paid some bills. I worked out. I’m planning to make dinner. I feel a sense of relief. I don’t know why today is different. It’s so hard for me to remember there is a chance this deep depression will lift when I am in it. It feels like a set up when I feel good for 3 weeks and plummet for 2 weeks.
I feel such a sense of empathy for those of us that struggle with various manifestations of dis-ease. I am lucky to have a dear friend and husband who supports me. The caveat for me is to allow them to support me and not let my mind convince me I’m a burden when I need love and understanding. The next step is to believe I truly do deserve love and understanding.
123 RV, SA!