“Children dont need to trust Ggod…”

autumn-colours…they intuitively know.[i] That is what depression takes away from me.  The ability to intuitively trust my self.  Why?  Because suppressing the anxiety I have has taken a toll on me.  The price I  paid, no pay, is the ability to trust what I think and feel.  There are events that transpire where I cant make a decision.  I cant do it because all of my psychic energy has been repressed and I am only left with my mind, my thoughts and they create doomsday scenarios for every event that transpires. This is the hardest thing for me to deal with.  I feel like I cant take care of myself and then I get more depressed.

SONY DSC“A man who is disconnected from his own needs is truly disconnected from himself, and well down the path to trouble in his life.”[ii]  I stopped thinking of my emotional needs well before I got out of high school.   Hell, well before I got out of junior high school.  I remember a girl who I liked, I really liked when I was in Junior High School.  She was nice, loving, supportive.  She was also pretty in a girl next door kind of way.  We used to talk all the time when we would see each other.  But I didn’t think she would like a boy like me so I never did anything more than be her friend.  I sometimes now think about her and wonder where she is.   I am pretty sure that I have projected a reality onto her that may be more imaginal than real, but it is a reality that is loving and kind, like she was and I was able to be with her.   

Aspens and Fence - Jackson Hole, Wyoming“I don’t need  faith, I have experience.” [iii] Right now, I am not connecting to this statement and I really would like to do so again.

“Life will always be sorrowful. We can’t change it, but we can change our attitude toward it.”[vii] Depression robs me of the ability to be in the sorrow that I truly feel when I am in the depths of it.   It robs me of the ability to connect with people over our shared sorrows.

a-poetry-autumn“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.”[v] This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to accomplish.  I feel like I am in quicksand again and I am sinking and I am going farther away from me and not closer to being the true me.

[i] I remember  saying this to J.J. [ii] Rick Belden[iii]Joseph Campbell [iv] Joseph Campbell [v] Joseph Campbell [vi] Joseph Campbell [vii] Joseph Campbell

123 RV, SA!

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5 thoughts on ““Children dont need to trust Ggod…”

  1. The serenity prayer is faith based and that is the reason AA used it as their main prayer. To have no faith there is no healing and that is the same with depression.

  2. Meds dampen everything around you and dull the edges of reality to the point you can feel disconnected and a spectator in your own life. I found that and still do in the treatment of my bipolar and anxiety.
    I understand where you are coming from, don’t give up, don’t look back- that way is living in regret and you will carry that forward into your life, don’t look forward and anticipate problems- you worry about 99 things and 96 of them are impossibilities and do nothing but fuel the anxiety.
    All we have is NOW. This moment. I had crippling anxiety attacks and eventually through many years of searching found that I set my self up for many of them…
    I ended up studying Buddhism and Taoism and using the mindfulness techniques they teach to allow my to stay present in the here and now. They work whether you are Christian, atheist or somewhere in between, you don’t need to be Buddhist. I would highly recommend you seek some teachings on mindfulness and read about how to live in the NOW. I am not cured….but I have not had an anxiety attack for 12 months that I have not been able to meditate or find my way out of.

    Hope that can be of some comfort and help and wasn’t preachy…wasn’t how I meant it, just one anxiety suffering brother to another…
    All the best with your journey.

    Love and Light

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