…they intuitively know.[i] That is what depression takes away from me. The ability to intuitively trust my self. Why? Because suppressing the anxiety I have has taken a toll on me. The price I paid, no pay, is the ability to trust what I think and feel. There are events that transpire where I cant make a decision. I cant do it because all of my psychic energy has been repressed and I am only left with my mind, my thoughts and they create doomsday scenarios for every event that transpires. This is the hardest thing for me to deal with. I feel like I cant take care of myself and then I get more depressed.
“A man who is disconnected from his own needs is truly disconnected from himself, and well down the path to trouble in his life.”[ii] I stopped thinking of my emotional needs well before I got out of high school. Hell, well before I got out of junior high school. I remember a girl who I liked, I really liked when I was in Junior High School. She was nice, loving, supportive. She was also pretty in a girl next door kind of way. We used to talk all the time when we would see each other. But I didn’t think she would like a boy like me so I never did anything more than be her friend. I sometimes now think about her and wonder where she is. I am pretty sure that I have projected a reality onto her that may be more imaginal than real, but it is a reality that is loving and kind, like she was and I was able to be with her.
“Life will always be sorrowful. We can’t change it, but we can change our attitude toward it.”[vii] Depression robs me of the ability to be in the sorrow that I truly feel when I am in the depths of it. It robs me of the ability to connect with people over our shared sorrows.
“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.”[v] This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to accomplish. I feel like I am in quicksand again and I am sinking and I am going farther away from me and not closer to being the true me.
[i] I remember saying this to J.J. [ii] Rick Belden[iii]Joseph Campbell [iv] Joseph Campbell [v] Joseph Campbell [vi] Joseph Campbell [vii] Joseph Campbell
123 RV, SA!