“I can no longer distinguish clearly between…”

eagle“neurosis of self and neurosis of world, psychopathology of self and psychopathology of world.”

I am troubled.  It is 3:30 in the morning.  I have been up since 2 and my mind keeps wondering.  What is going on in the world?  I mean, could it just be that I am really disconnected so much  from what “reality,” truly is, that I am delusional?  That theory makes sense to me if I listen to my mind.  When I was diagnosed with depression, I was truly hoping that I could get better soon.  It feels today like I have made no progress in the three plus years, that I am just as screwed up now as I was then.

fire-clouds-on-the-lake-vaud-switzerland-chris-bardThere are a few people’s blog who I read faithfully.(you can find out what I read on the “Resource” page of the blog) I mean really read it and not just hit the “like” button when  I see their work, like I have been known to do sometimes.  Therese Borchard is one of them. Today I read her post.  It saddened me and hit way closer to home than I had wanted it to.  http://thereseborchardblog.com/2013/12/30/last-years-lesson-to-live-in-the-moment/

Eyes_of_fire_by_PSDtechI cant even get any perspective, I cant find any measuring mechanism.   All I can see and think about is that I am at this place in my life, measured externally of course, where I seem to be slipping backwards instead of going forwards.

“He chooses therefore to think his life rather than experience it, clinging to his complexes, even when he suffers unbearably from them.” [1]  Then, after reading Therese’s post,  I read this on the back of one of my texts in school and I went “That’s me!”  I wont go into what complexes are except to equate them to, say they are the same as, the “deep seated emotional conflicts that persist below the level of consciousness,” that I am always talking about in AA meetings.

darknessIt feels like I have made no progress in life since I was diagnosed with the depression.  I am crying as I sit here and write this.  I want to tell you all the reasons that I have not been able to do some of the things that I have not been able to do, but the fact is in many ways, my life seems frozen, static, empty, useless.  It seems to me that I am worse off now than I was when I was living in the fancy house with all of the fancy things and all of the fancy clothes. Sure, I can hear someone already telling me that it is better now for me than then, but I sure dont feel that way.

20131022-143123.jpg“Moreover, it tells me that to place neurosis and psychopathology solely in personal reality is a delusional repression of what is actually, realistically, being experienced.” I cant help but do this.  I cant help but say that I am the one responsible for making my life better and assign myself responsibility for it being worse.

I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps! 

Quotes by James Hillman unless noted.  [1] Jolande Jacobi Complex, Archetype, Symbol.

123 RV, SA

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3 thoughts on ““I can no longer distinguish clearly between…”

  1. I hear you my friend. I understand the measure of hopelessness. I love that you can write it, as hard as it is for you right now. I know you know that you are not alone.
    Peace to you in this day.

    • Thank you dear, dear friend!. I hope your year is as full as your last one and more rewarding.
      I as just leaving you a comment on your Ayn Rand post. Lovely, lovely picture!!

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