I have books of spirituality all over the house. I read and read and I cannot stand to read anymore. I need to surrender. I am unable to. What will become of me if I just let go and let this THING have me. All of me.
I awoke this morning and first thought was to just lay there until I was dead. I feel so old and tired.
Every moment is the same. Dark and formless. Could not leave the house on Christmas day. Could not do somebody else’s Christmas. Long time family friends. I could not sit still and could not bare it being in their home. And now here I am smoking and drinking de-caf. I drink the de-caf because I want no anxiety.
I long for the phone to ring and yet I all I say is yes and no. No context to my living I am reading Richard Rohr, the Fransican priest and he talks about loosing your identity. It comes from in his opinion from never having formed your own ego. I have spent a lifetime distinquising myself from others rather than just being.
I had to be something different. I am so tired at looking at the world and having to find a place the I fit.
I fit damn it. Just the way I am . I need help. Different kind of med so I can do the soul work. So I can just relax and be with myself. Cannot bring anyone into my home. No energy for anything but this thing.
This depression. this anxiety. this dread. I remain in constant vigil of it. If i let go if feels like I will die and and I know the vigil is killing me. And then I read the bible and Big Book and the internet and no peace.
The words are just words right now. They have no application to me. I want out of this pain. Please dear Creator, let me find the strength to be among my fellows again. Without them, I cannot do this by myself.
My friends e-mail me; my siblings email me; and I just so say everything is fine. I am at the moment of collapse. i know it. i am terrified. Collapse into what. i go for my daily walks and I am tired of them.
I want to be back at work and I tried that and could not make it one hour before the complete exhaustion overcame me. I need to sit and just be me. Not scared. Not afraid. Laughing again. I so miss laughing.
I so miss it. Laugh at this thing called life. Find humor is this suffering and know the suffering has a goal.
To set me free. I know this. I have gone through this before, so many times. I am failing at work yet at again and I have no idea what to do. Just walk in and quit. I hate going to AA meetings and yet I love it.
Richard Rohr calls it “falling upward”. I like that. How does a 58 year old man fall upward. If you are down,dive in a friend just told me. I am afraid to stop pressing these keys. Must keep the vigil
Must keep the vigil. No joy at all. I am so tired of reading messages in these books. None can I bring into my heart. Our phone conversations of anything. God, Creator, please direct me today to a calm place or the help I need to get there.
Peace to all.
Written by Willem 3655
123 RV, SA Forgiveness!