and I am so fucking stuck. Drowning in anxiety and rush of despair. Two months ago I was able to shield out the pain. The nothingness. The fear. The dread. Its Christmas week and all around me people are joining with family and friends. My friends are tired of this shit. tired of the shit of the only thing coming out of my mouth is yes or no. I am so tired of having to brace myself for the day. I want to be with people but the shear weight of my anxiety and depression keep me from the. I pace and pace again. And then I smoke and pace. Two months ago i functioned and I no longer can. I cannot work. i cannot sit at my desk and push the pencil forward and make appointments to meet someone. To have lunch with a friend is more than I can bare. Getting throughout the grocery store takes hours of mental preparations to do it. grooming is brutal. Shaving my face seems pointless. ANd yet i do. When will this stop. What pills do I go and seek from the doctors this time. I got on some meds this past spring and they worked and then they stopped working. I was once very successful at my job and now all I plan for in a day is another fucking walk. Another walk. As I leave the house I have a moment of relief and then as I approach coming home and spin and spin I want to die. I really don’t want to see anybody. Friends say let’s meet for coffee. I cannot sit still in my own house (which I should be grateful that I have a roof over my head) but it is not a home right now. Its where I am riding out the last of my days. I cannot seem to find the ability to kill myself yet I pray for death. How strange is that. AA meetings bring only more pain. I have this blanket of shame that covers me moment to moment. I am so tired all the time. Most meetings that I can stand happen in the evening and by the evening I am out of any energy I had that day. Therapy . i am so sick of talking about me. Where this started. How was your childhood, i am 58 years old and have been living the past three years with no relief. Just faking it. I do not want to fake it. How does one do that. The winter wants me.
The phone rings and I fall apart. Somebody wants something. It does not matter what it is. At this time of year we are supposed to be happy. I want to just let go and let God take this burden from me. Where are you God? Where are you/ help me to help myself is my constant rejoinder. Please God help. Send me to the right healer. The right meds. Make me laugh again. i just want to laugh again. Just laugh.
And talk. I want to talk. I am a fine talker. I want back into this world and cannot get there right now.
My friend said if you are down, dive in. Dive into what. Into what? As I write this I am terrified of what to do once I stop pressing the keyboard. What is going to become of me? The pills are running out and I need the pills. Or do I? I want someone to take me by the hand and just be with me. No judgements not answers. Just have some company. And I will not seek it. THis is the most lonely place on the planet.
(We have a new contributor to the blog. He is a friend of mine and has something to say!)
123 R.V., S.A.!