A time of need for the Fanatic

china20holding20hands20for20portfolio1 The post hospital honeymoon is officially over. The pink cloud has evaporated. My head is spinning. I was thrust back into depression and anxiety this week. Not as deep. But deep enough. Do you want to know when my dear friend knows I’m in trouble. When I pick up the 500lb phone and reach out. On the same day I called him, earlier in the morning I texted him about suicidal thoughts returning. It was a rough week. I often wonder if this life, this bipolar life wrought with anxiety, angst, agitation, depression and suicidal thoughts is my lot. While I am back on the medication bandwagon, these symptoms still exist. They press into me and leave a mark. They disappear for short stints and then arrive again uninvited. This past week was no exception. Have you ever heard of a “god shot?” My sponsor said I had a god shot when the police found me in a parking lot after I called a crisis line. The officer gave me a choice either ride with them to psych emergency services or surrender to a DUI. I was drowning in alcohol and depression at this time. I was told the fact that they didn’t just book me for DUI was a god shot. Another time I attempted to get sober and I was on my hands and knees crying my eyes out, my husband washing his hands of me I heard a voice say “now is the time for rehab. Now or never.” I made the call the very next day and went to 30 day inpatient treatment for dual diagnosis. I stayed sober after my stay for nearly four years. Til my mental health issues reared it’s ugly head and I told myself I could not bare to be a depressed alcoholic again. In an effort to end the torture I ingested drano. It’s been a long road.

gostinica-laplandiya-rovaniemi-finland1Well I believe I had a god shot on Friday night in the darkness of a grocery store parking lot. I went out to our car to bring in our numerous tote bags so we could bag our groceries. It’s my job..always has been. I am consumed with myself and my emotional week. Many tears graced my cheeks and many times I did not know why. Waves of sadness were washing over me in intervals. I was crying in my car, in my cubicle and in the bathroom stall at work. I was fighting back tears in the damn grocery store. As I was walking to my car I hear this fragile voice..”please help me, I have an emergency.” I abandoned the need to get my bags and went over to this woman who was trying to prop herself up by her cart. She said, I need help, I have cancer and I can’t find my phone. The parking lot was dimly lit. I looked through her purse and could not find her phone. I asked her who I could call and she gave me the number to reach her mother. We made the call together and she was to be on her way immediately. I helped the woman, Jody, up to her feet. She was very shaky. I put her groceries in her car and walked her to the drivers side so she could rest. Upon getting her in the car she began to cry. She said this was very sad for her, she has no strength. She reached out for comfort. I hugged her right then and there and told her she did the best she could. I began to cry also as I realized I was doing the best I could too. Two complete strangers holding each other as we felt we had failed. I took her hands and asked her if I could leave her as I needed to get back inside. I held her hands tight for a few seconds and wished her a merry Christmas. She squeezed my hand in sincere thanks. This had to be a god shot. A release from bondage of self. The opportunity to show compassion to another human being when I can’t afford it to myself. It was an honor to assist her and hold her in a time of need. I am thankful for this reminder I am only human. If I’m truly doing the best that I can, I am a success. I am not a failure.

123 RV, SA  Forgiveness is about  loving ourself enough to let go

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