“… and we will try almost any maneuver to eliminate it.” When I read this quote from my friend Battling the Demons Within* blog this morning, I knew I HAD to write about it. I believe my depression is nothing more than suppressing my anxiety for the situation(s) I faced when I was younger. The situation(s) which caused me to suffer from flight or flight or some other angst because of the conflict, whether internal or external, I was in.
“Modern man is living in anxious anticipation of destruction.” You mean everyone else is living in the “other shoe is going to drop eventually,” syndrome also? I dont mean to diminish the anxiety that everyone else is living with. I have my own. I have just been able to suppress it so well, so well, that I dont have symptoms or manifestations externally of the anxiety. I HAVE SUPPRESSED IT! I dont know whether I am one of the lucky ones or not. I kinda think it is just the opposite side of the same coin. You know, the coin that says life is going to end shitty so you might as well just give up! The one that says that you will find out that I have been a fraud all my life! That one that says I dont deserve to be loved. Yes you know, that one that says, as Jim Morrison said so well, “This is the end, this is the end my friend!”
“Such anxiety can be easily eliminated by self-destruction. As a German saying puts it: ‘Better an end with terror than a terror without end.” No wonder my dear friend talks about how it would be less painful to have to die than to live in the present. It does not shock me to hear that my friends hurt themselves, drink after being sober for a while, get hooked on ‘prescription,’ drugs.
The dis-ease that we are living under and with is manifesting itself in ways we arent even aware of. We will find ways to get relief. Depression, alcoholism, rage, control, sexual addiction, gambling, dissociation, drug addiction, denial and health issues. Sounds like a lot of ways for us to get relief. They might be, but I just listed the ways that I have gotten relief from that anxiety. Am I so far out of the mean/away from the median to be an extreme case. You can answer that. I dont care anymore. I am sick of us all walking around like this. Lives spent trying to survive instead of living.
All quotes from one quote from Robert E. Neale’s, The Art of Dying. “Chronic anxiety is a state more undesirable than any other and we will try almost any maneuver to eliminate it. Modern man is living in anxious anticipation of destruction. Such anxiety can be easily eliminated by self-destruction. As a German saying puts it: ‘Better an end with terror than a terror without end.'”
123 RV. Forgiveness comes from acceptance. Permission is necessary when I cant accept.