The Healing of the Fanatic

stunning-dolomites-mountWhere does healing take place? Is it on the therapists couch? Is it in silent tears as you continue to move about your day? Is it in your dreams? Does it just happen unconsciously and one day Ta are healed?

I pose these questions because I don’t pretend to have the answers.

ladybug-holds-dandelion-seed-hoang-hiep-nguyenMy dear friend always tells me the only way out is through it. Well I feel like I am trudging through mud today. I am carrying the weight of memories. These memories do not illicit feelings of joy, I don’t think.  Hospital stays are on my back. Hallucinations are on my shoulders. Intense fear is wrapped around my legs. My hands shake from the weight of all the medications I have tried.  My mind is draped in suicidal ideation, plans, past attempts. I literally crumble to the floor under this weight.
china20holding20hands20for20portfolio1The irony is I am doing well. I have jumped back into work full bore. I’m exercising. I’m cooking dinner. I’m laughing. I’m smiling. I am alive. Then the past comes and smacks me upside the head. What is that about? A reminder I am not cured? I am still sick. I am still bipolar. Don’t get too comfortable fanatic! I have the strength to hold all of what I have been through. Do I now have the strength to see my courage and perseverance unfolding in the events of this year. I have lost, at the very least, one quarter of 2013 to serious mental health issues. To confusion of diagnosis. To the bowels of depression. Height of psychosis. To lost sense of self. To being unsafe. To not being sure if I wanted to live or die.  Yet, I am still here.

fantatics hairI am walking through my disease. Some days I’m in the trenches. Some days I’m on cloud 9. Some days I just carry on like any other human being.  The tears can come.  And I promise you they will.  I have cried many a time out of sadness, out of anger out of fear and out of resignation. I think today I am crying out of resilience.

I am cleaning my house on a Saturday morning. The sun is shining. I am going on a date with my husband tonite. I think I may even wear a dress. I am living life. I am in the moment. If, in this moment, I am moved to tears I will let them fall. It’s neither good nor bad. It’s me walking through another day of life.

123 everyone!!  Forgiveness for those who have hurt us. They know not what they do.

finger touching nose of baby


5 thoughts on “The Healing of the Fanatic

  1. Hi my fiend. Hope you are seeing someone who can help you through some of this unorganized feeling. I went through the same thing and your friend is right, The only way out of this is through it. Thanks for sharing. Lots of hugs.

  2. “The world breaks everyone. And afterward some are stronger at the broken places.” Hemingway
    You are brilliantly strong and aware and free to feel. Take good care of yourself…

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