“I would love to live like a river flows,…”

adams-tetons-snake-river“…carried by the surprise of its own unfolding.”  That’s the thing that depression takes away. That being joyful, being excited, being interested in seeing the unfolding of our lives.  I am going on a journey now at my age into a place that is exciting, interesting, and hopefully will bring me great joy. There is a part of me that is “excited.”
Being totally honest with you, however, there is also a part of me that is scared shitless. I’ve lost all ability to think that I understand the direction of my compass in my life anymore. I don’t understand why I’m going where I’m going, or even where I’m going.I guess it’s really not for me to know. As Joseph Campbell says, “If you can see the path in front of you, it’s probably not your path.”

rainforest-in-fog1It’s really hard to overcome all of that fear.  That intense feelings of my reactions to the initial traumas which have now become instinctual fear. It’s hard at times to trust this power greater than myself, to make sure that my needs are going to get met. I’m scared.

“One of the deepest longings of the human soul is to be seen.”  What I want when I’m with another person, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s a friend or a lover or a friend waiting to be a friend is to be authentically me. What I want is to be conscious of being vulnerable enough to let people really truly see me. So often in my life all I really wanted to do was hide and that was pretty much what I did.

columbiariver-4663Why did I want to hide? Because I was afraid if you saw who I truly was that you wouldn’t like me.  I lived that way, from the time I can remember as a little child, and in many ways I still live that way. It is out of shame.  Therein lies sadness for me.

123 RV.  Forgiveness  is the soul being expressed and permission is not.

Quotes by John O’Donohoe



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