“…inside us so we can avoid the sense of alienation we feel in the outer world.”  This is what I did my whole childhood. I learned to do it before I got the corporal punishment I received. I learned to do it instantaneously as the voices started to raise. I did it so much that it became the norm for me. I did it long enough and often enough, it became my depression. As a student of human behavior, I watch people who react with their actions towards the sense of aloneness they feel inside, the alienation. The “unconscious” tapping of the toes, twirling of the hair, scratching of the beard, are all symbols of the dissociation from the psychic pain we carry.
“There’s no coming to consciousness without pain.” So the question is, do I continue to remain unconscious, to dissociate and feel an imaginary sense of self, or do I continue down this path of wholeness, and feel the terrible pain that comes with it at times? If I left it up to my mind, I wouldnt be here writing this and deliberating this question. I would still be living in Marin, practicing law and continually looking for that connection in people, places and things that COULD NOT give it to me. I would be acting out, projecting my shadow onto those who I could, and dying day by day, minute by minute.
“He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.” Intuitively, I just found this quote. I asked for direction on what to say next in this post and this is what came. I cant live with those blinders on that I am not responsible for what is. Not to say that I am the one who is charged with changing the world. But as Joseph Campbell says, “We’re not on our journey to save the world but to save ourselves. But in doing that you save the world. The influence of a vital person vitalizes.”
So my charge is to become vital again. I remember the times when I was younger when I felt like I was alive. When I felt like I was in the presence of something greater than myself. Then I “lost” that connection and I began to have to fill that void with the mind. However, the mind is experienced in only the rational and is dissociated from the intuitive, it is separate.
If you read my post of yesterday, you see that my despair is present. I am aware of the origins of it, but it still has an effect on me that I cant think away. But the difference between now and then is that I am aware of it and can choose to lessen it’s effect on me. I lessen the effect by going into metaphor and more than anything else by helping someone else.
Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends, wherever you are!
 Laura Kerr. DISSOCIATION IN LATE MODERN AMERICA: A DEFENSE AGAINST SOUL? pg 102  Carl Jung  Albert Einstein
123 JW. Forgiveness, forgiveness, even if you dont love me anymore. Permission isn’t necessary