Sometimes in the stillness of the night as the moon takes center stage I think it’s impossible that I have bipolar disorder. In those moments I steal away and smile to myself and believe I make a difference I forget I have this dis-ease. When I laugh from my belly so hard tears form, I wonder where I have been for the last 7 months.
The cold hard truth is I have been stuck in depression, mania, psychosis and mixed states. My world has been turned upside down since April 5th of this year. But I feel like I have been resurrected. By who or by what I do not know. I just know I am so grateful the fog lifted and the mud dried beneath my feet.
I don’t think I have truly processed just how scary this last episode was for me. It’s so hard to fathom the level of inner chaos I was experiencing much less explain it out loud. I feel like I had no say in the matter. My own mind was conspiring against me. I had orders to jump off the bridge just 3 weeks ago.
I had the tools in my backpack to make it final. I was no longer going to be here. If my husband hadn’t insisted on driving me to the outpatient program I am not certain the choices I would have made. The choices I was making up to this point were not good, some were not safe.
I was steeped in a psychotic episode but unable to check myself in. I was battling myself, but I believed I was battling the devil. I saw things and heard things I probably will never forget. I was seriously out of my mind and uncertain I would make it back.
9 days in the psych hospital and many med changes later I am now back at work.
I told my husband I feel like myself again. I am smiling and laughing freely, not willing myself to do so for your sake. I no longer feel I need to protect you from me. I can be pretty funny sometimes and feel my sense of humor returning. I am playful and sarcastic. I can hear what other people are saying. I can be a partner to my husband. I can feel the wind in my hair. I can feel the sun on my face. These traits had gone missing for far too long. These traits make up the fanatic. I, for one, am glad she is back.
As I lay down to sleep, knowing my husband is thousands of miles away I believe I will be okay. I will be alone for the first time in months as he is off visiting family. I have some tools to help me stay grounded. I have a dear friend who is always on call. But most of all…I have hope.
123 RV. Forgiveness starts in the mirror.