How to get from there to here

326684This is one of those moments that I dont like.  I have been willing to sit in this dis-ease and look at it for over 3 years now.  I have lost everything, I dont have a real home any more, my life seems more isolated than ever and I need an answer.
I had someone tell me last night after reading this blog, someone who I had never even met, “I think you are stuck and perseverating on your sadness. Your sorrowful writing seems like a projection to me.  Remember we own our feelings.” The reference was to my comment that I see a lot of sadness and disconnect when I walk the streets in big cities.
I need a reality check from those who have read the words I have written here.
“Psychological awareness rises from errors, coincidences, indefiniteness, from the chaos deeper than intelligent control.”[1]  This is where I see their comment coming from.  Trying to make sense of a journey into the abyss that we call depression is impossible if left to our thinking.  If I was to use my mind to do it, I would continue to see my life as a failure.
I wanted to react in anger and criticize them and point out their inadequacies.  I did send them an email and say that since I felt my inventory was being taken that I would not be communicating with them any longer.  However, my mind is working overtime on this one and I cant seem to  get the word “perseverating” out of my mind.  I dont like being in the place I am most of  the time inside.  I wish I could power through it like I had done my whole life up until a few years ago.  But I cant.

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Where does delving into end and sitting in it begin.  I cant answer this one and it is troubling  me today.

123 everyone.  Forgiveness is about love, permission is about fear

[1] James Hillman

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6 thoughts on “How to get from there to here

  1. As a survivor of PTSD (still in it) I find that people often “blame and shame” as though they have 1. the right to do so or 2. the knowledge and professional skills to do so. They have neither. You are where you are. It is what it is. I cannot advise you, only share what works for me when I am faced with the myopia of those who cannot comprehend how swiftly we can go up or down triggered by such events/assessments they have no business making. I withdraw and take care of myself, do all I can to keep safe and keep learning. Just recently I learned the brain is malleable. I hope one day I can get mine back to the high functioning level it was. For now, I am where I am doing the best I can and that is all we need to do. IN my opinion.

  2. I think that when people try to come up with quick, pointing answers, we can easily feel like they’re putting a lid on us and brushing us off. We are inconvenient and the only way to solve what is inconvenient is to snuff it out real quickly, but we know that doesn’t solve anything. It just digs us deeper into our holes. When I see myself or someone else play that game, I realize that it’s usually for one or more of the following reasons: ignorance (not knowing the depth and the feel of the suffering being experienced and expressed); laziness (not wanting to be bothered); inexperience with facing deep pain or our type of suffering and not knowing what to do; and cockiness or self-righteousness. I’ve been on both ends and would much rather be the sufferer than the “easy fix” person at this point. … To address chronic deep sadness, it is conquerable. In my experience, it’s a day-by-day, baby step thing. It’s an ongoing striving to simplify, live authentically, respectfully protect and take up for myself, do what I truly enjoy ….and learn (little by little) to be less cruel and punishing with myself and more lenient, kind and caring with myself. Maybe that’s why it’s so tempting to try to force quick solutions down others’ throats. Solutions to things like deep sadness are arduous and take time. But there is hope and we really can pull out. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. It just takes courage and determination to get there. Keep fighting the good fight. This is one worth winning and one that truly can be conquered. Thank you for your transparency.

  3. Perseverating is becoming “it” and being consumed by it, while sitting in it is recognizing and acknowledging it in order to move past it. In my humble opinion, you’re the latter. Be well.

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