What is it that makes us

fast-food-risquilloseek to control others?  Yes this site is about Depression and Sobriety(and all the other associated manifestations of the emotional dis-ease that WE suffer with) but I watched the movie “12 years a slave,” last Friday night.  It is extremely violent and I would not recommend it if the treatment of people like animals bothers you.  It triggered me.

My role models sought to get me to conform to their idea of what normal was.  Yes they used violence to try and make me conform.  They also used other means to attempt to get me to be “good,” but the most memorable one for me was the violence.

5-1-13-godetia-jpegWhat happened was that I slowly but surely dissociated from my body.  I slowly but surely became compliant.  But the cost was my emotional and mental well being.  I conformed as well as I could without dying inside.

So when booze was put it front of my face by my role models, I grabbed it.  It made me “feel,” good.  I didnt have to feel those feelings that were gnawing at me.  But I stopped using the booze and drugs over 25 years ago but the depression grabbed hold and would not let go only 5 years ago.

As I go through this journey called graduate school, it brings up a lot of stuff that I had “worked out,” years ago.

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But the thing that keeps coming back to me is the fear.  The fear of failure, of isolation, of being alone.  So what I hypothesize is that I was destined to “need,” to use something to get out of my reality from the beginning.

I wrote for class last night that we come here connected and then circumstances make it so some of us got disconnected.  The violent effects of slavery or abuse are nothing more than acting out the wound of disconnection.  No more could a father brutalize a young boy than a man hit a woman who has different color if they are truly “in touch,” with that part of them that empathizes.

7-5-13-zinnia-jpegThe slave owner justified his behavior by verses from the Bible.  The father justifies his by saying “he’s my son.”

We walk by the homeless man, with his mental health issues and NEED to ignore him, even though that little voice inside says to help him.

I havent written for a few days and feel that this is a half hearted attempt to write about depression in sobriety, but this is the best I got today.

123 R.V.  Forgiveness is for sure an inside job, permission is from someone or some place else.

Flowers from Carol at radiatingblossoms.wordpress.com

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