I am about to go into a phase of my journey with depression/life that is one where I think, no, I know, that I am going to change. Who I am going to be at the end of it is something that scares the shit out of me. I have always had glimpses of that self. I was talking last night and tried to describe the kind of person I was when I was a child. Not what I had become by the time I was a teenager, but the essence of me when I was okay with who I was younger.
What I have noticed lately is that I am willing to always sell myself short and negate myself when there is some sort of stimulus that creates tension for me. I know that that is learned behavior for me and it is a challenge to not let that unconscious reaction take control when there is stress in my life. Talk about PTSD! I thought I had worked “through” this stuff when I was in ACA and SIA a while ago. Apparently, I get to do more work!
Life sometimes feels like those pictures to the right. A big black dark hole. The thought that comes to mind is the old proverb “The closer you get to the gate, the louder the dogs bark.” Well hell’s bells. What is it that causes me to compartmentalize those events in my history, work on them when they come up, then put them away at some level to try and move my way through my life? Is there a reason that I put them away? I think my denial system is so strong that when it gets close to the bone, the real trauma that I house along with that PTSD crap, I figure out a way to distract myself so that I dont have to deal with it.
Please here that I am not blaming myself, I am just wondering if Ggod is making it so I am not overwhelmed. I have been involved in this process stuff for a long time. I feel like I am back at square one. I am aware that I am maybe being hard on myself, but I am just saying how it feels in the moment.
I noticed that the two posts I have written today, this one and the “chaos/pain” ones dont have any quotes from my favorite crazy men like Jung, Hillman and Freud. I think that is a positive in that I am willing to be more vulnerable and less “brainiac,” than usual. I think that is appropriate as I am now in this phase where I read their words every day for school.
Thank you Ggod for James Hillman. He led me to PGI
123 RV. Forgiveness I pray for, permission I cant give myself.