When the chaos is more painful than the pain

death-of-mental-illnessThis is what it feels likes today. Sitting at the table writing this post, I feel like that skeleton you see. Today the pain of being in a place where there is drama is more painful than the things I used to trade off to avoid having to experience The sadness and pain. I feel like I am just sitting here biding my time until I stop doing that as a habit.

I was talking with my oldest friend from “back in the day,” the other day and they said I sometimes sound manic in my writing here. As I am usually not the best estimator of what is going on inside of me compared to how I am projecting myself to others, I am going to accept that as true.

20130516-175234I never thought I ever was a manic sort of person. I always wanted to be that cool, calm, collected person that many in my generation tried to project when they smoked pot. But I have now learned that I was already learning how to trade off, I was learning how to react to you and instantly become the chameleon that I have become.

One of the paradoxes of this is that I get feedback a lot at meetings that I am “honest,” and “courageous,” for saying what is really going on inside of me.

wolf yosemitefinger touching nose of baby

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2 thoughts on “When the chaos is more painful than the pain

  1. Jim – write what you want to. Say what you need to say. I do not really consider it relevant to assess if it is manic. The mind is a manic place and the closer you get to writing the way you think, the more that is going to come across like that.
    Loneliness sucks; this is true. Adapting, changing in order to steer clear of this complete aloneness is confusing: everyone does it to some degree. When I do I feel less true to my real self, but then what is that? Maybe some of my true self is there, with people, maybe a bit I can’t get to alone.
    Anyway, this makes little sense, maybe I’ve missed the point just…. keep writing, keep going….

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