This is what it feels likes today. Sitting at the table writing this post, I feel like that skeleton you see. Today the pain of being in a place where there is drama is more painful than the things I used to trade off to avoid having to experience The sadness and pain. I feel like I am just sitting here biding my time until I stop doing that as a habit.
I was talking with my oldest friend from “back in the day,” the other day and they said I sometimes sound manic in my writing here. As I am usually not the best estimator of what is going on inside of me compared to how I am projecting myself to others, I am going to accept that as true.
I never thought I ever was a manic sort of person. I always wanted to be that cool, calm, collected person that many in my generation tried to project when they smoked pot. But I have now learned that I was already learning how to trade off, I was learning how to react to you and instantly become the chameleon that I have become.
One of the paradoxes of this is that I get feedback a lot at meetings that I am “honest,” and “courageous,” for saying what is really going on inside of me.