Aside

The fanatics’ demons

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I can’t seem to outrun my demons. Lurking around the corner, accosting me in my car, whispering in my ear they are there. I could swear they want me dead. Something, be it the devil, wants me extinguished from this earth. I can’t seem to differentiate truth from reality. People are out to get me, conspiring against me. Talking about me and laughing at me. I don’t feel welcome in this world. I am not wanted here. It is clear. It is the mantra that plays in my mind everyday.
I am at a loss. I have been worn down. I don’t know what to believe. My husband looks me in the eye and promises me he won’t leave me, our love can withstand all this internal chaos. He loves me and cherishes me. How lucky am I?
Yet outside forces tell me different, lure me into their evil spell, command me to end my life.
To the quiet room I retreat once again. 3rd hospitalization this year. I am confused, alone, hopeless. Meds will be recommended. I think it’s my only recourse. I am letting people down. I am not safe. I am scared. Is it something I did wrong? Am I not trying hard enough? Please forgive me.
The leaves are changing color, the seasons are changing why can’t I?

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7 thoughts on “The fanatics’ demons

  1. First, it’s not something you did wrong, so please don’t blame yourself. Are you doing the best you can? If so, then you are trying the best you can, so again don’t blame yourself. Sorry you’ve gone back inpatient for the 3rd time, I’ve been inpatient twice this year and they want me to go back, this time for a long-term stay…so you are not alone in your struggles. You are not alone and someday you will realize that, and reach out to others who can understand.

    Yes, the leaves are turning colours, changing, but those leaves are falling dead to the ground as the trees get ready to sleep through the winter to be reborn in the spring; do not dwell on the turning leaves but the buds that appear in the spring, for those represent new life, new beginnings, and endless possibilities.

    You can get through this.

    Peace, love, and contentment,
    Izzy

  2. I’m glad you have a supportive spouse.

    I’m wondering if meditation would help at all. On the one hand, maybe it would make the voices louder. But meditation rewires the brain over time, calming us and helping us to control our thoughts.

  3. You don’t know me but we share a dear friend. Because of the blog I am aware of your struggles and I cry for you. Girl, you are so brave! You never give up and I can only imagine what it must be like hang in there and keep trying. We are all rooting for you. I would hug you if I could.

  4. I’m leaving you a hug, I’m Destgirl I had a blog you followed but I deleted it. I have no start a new blog where I write in English and Norwegian. I’m glad I found your blog ❤
    I'm glad your husband is there for you, support mean so much when we struggle. I and I am glad you're here, you and your blog mean so much ❤ ❤ ❤
    The deamons are liars, please don't believe them, I know that is hard, but all they do is lie..

    Lots of hugs to you ❤

  5. Don’t listen to the demons. They have nothing positive or true to say. In patient hospitalizations aren’t always bad. Been there a total of 5 times, myself. 4 of them were this year. Basically what they do is keep you safe and make sure they get you on the right meds. I just went a few weeks ago. Nothing to be ashamed of. It’s no different than if you had a problem with your heart, would you feel ashamed of that? No, you would not, you would want to get it fixed. I went voluntarily every time. I knew when I hit rock bottom and I was afraid of myself. I’m still here. I’m glad your husband is so supportive, as is mine most of the time. We’re very lucky to have them. Please get the help you need, so the demons will leave you alone. I’m always here any time you want to talk. You’re not alone.
    HUGS,
    Wild Thang aka Tammy

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