“Control, for all its self-assured position of command, relies on a defensive vision, and the traits enumerated–enforced loyalty, exactitude, suspicion of the hidden, watchfulness–are paranoid traits.” This is where I find myself when my depression becomes overwhelming. This is when I become loyal to my mind and have fear of virtually everyone around me particularly those who I am more intimate with, women. The paranoia is cumbersome at best life sucking
at most. What I realize when I’m able to step back and look at it is that I’m continuing to honor the voices inside of my head that particularly came from my critical role models early on my life, who always made sure that my loyalty was to them before it was even to me.
“When the dominant vision that holds a period of culture together cracks, consciousness regresses into earlier containers, seeking sources for survival which also offer sources of revival.” What is my
source of survival here. I’ve gotten to the point where I am limited in my world view of what I can do. After I applied for the PhD program my mind went into regression and survival. I disagree with Hillman here where he says that these earlier containers offer sources of revival. Maybe it’s because of where I am at today in this moment in time. Because I desperately would like something that would give me that revival to work to really start to take care of myself again.
“Reflection in the mirror of the soul lets one see the madness of one’s spiritual drive, and the importance of this madness.” When I am feeling okay, “spiritually fit,” I am okay with the madness. When I see it in those who are close to me usually I am okay with it. But lately seeing it in my significant other I struggle with it now because I think it comes to close to home in that I’m afraid that the madness that she has is mine also. The experience of being with her is going to be harmful to me. I am going to be crazier than I already am. There’s no other way I can say that.
“When we are told what is healthy we are being told what is right to think and feel. When we are told what is mentally ill we are being told what ideas, behavior, and fantasies are wrong.” Here is where my real struggle is with psychiatry, psychology, i.e., the dominant paradigm of what “mental health” is. The normalcy that we strive for is unattainable, harmful, and life-sucking. Yet we still blindly watch reality shows, political events, and sporting events as if they are nurturing and life fulfilling. Please understand that I don’t have a problem with anything that is a respite or escape from the normalcy that we live in which sort of sucks the energy out of you. But what I don’t like is when I become a vegetable, a follower, a nobody.
“The psyche moves; but does psychology?” This is where the leprechaun and I had an argument today. Not an argument, a discussion with different points of view. He still espouses the position of psychoanalysis being effective and saving individuals. I told him that I didn’t disagree in that I’m
still here, considering what happened to me. What I did say is that we are suffering more as a culture and that it cant be working if we are getting less mentally stable as a culture. Psychology needs to take the lead in coming up with different solutions then the traditional one of psychoanalysis or behavioral modification to try to make the world a better place.