Two weeks ago- The darkness consumed me. I turned every light on in that hotel room. I yelled into the void…STOP. NO. LEAVE ME ALONE. At first it was declarative, authoritative, demanding. Then it was pure gut wrenching pleading. I have never felt so out of control and out of my mind.
It was only me in that room by all accounts. But, at the same time it could not have been me.
I can’t begin to explain it because it doesn’t make any sense. My mind and thoughts were not my own. It felt like I stepped into a depression body bag. Closing my eyes produced graphic images of savagery with blood on my hands. Eyes open the room was spinning and the words of my suicide note were being read to me by the voice of a demon. Then the details of the plan played out in 3D. I agonized over this plan for hours. My mind would not stop churning. The voice grinded away at me. At 4am I sent my dear friend a text letting him know he would have to take care of the meeting tonite, that I wouldn’t make it. I felt possessed. I had marching orders to jump off the bridge later that afternoon. It wasn’t relief or peace that washed over me. Just matter of fact business to attend to.
This was the 3rd night of little to no sleep. My guess is I had about 8 hrs over 3 days. I was beyond exhausted. I had no will to fight. No desire.
One week ago-I sat in my tiny hallway counting old forgotten psych meds that did not cure me. I feel them in my hand. I count them. I wonder now if I take them all at once, if the cure..my escape from pain, my inevitable death, will come for me. Quietly I will slip away.
2 days ago-I float through the office my very essence affecting people. Seamlessly, effortlessly words and ideas flow out of me.
Yesterday-In the wee hours of the night, thoughts careen about my mind growing bigger and better each moment. Grand writing projects, a personal make over, plots to become the best fanatic on the planet all swirl about. Sleep is not necessary.
You cannot keep up with my words. You can feel my hyper fast energy. You warn me to slow down to keep in balance. I hear you but cannot oblige. I am meant to do great things w this power. You just wait and see.
Today -The lyrics of the song reach deep into me and tell my story. The beat of the base, the slide of guitar transform my body. I am one with the artist. Waves of air from the ceiling fan caress the tiny hairs on my arm. I meld into my environment as if I am on psychedelics. Movement is fast, deliberate. Bursting with creativity. Bursting with the need to connect. Unable to contain myself I fall all over you..and you and you.
Sometimes I feel like I live in a glass box. It’s not a bubble because that seems to free. This box is constricting and suffocating. Some days it is frosted on the inside. I can barely see you. I can barely hear you. I can’t participate this way. You see me clearly and wonder why I seem so distant. Other times, the glass is so shiny and clear I can reach through it. The sun shines so brightly I am glowing in my box. The energy in the box is magnificent and can hardly be contained. I am powerful, beautiful, enlightened, anointed, graceful and most importantly unstoppable.
But you see I am never free. Powerful or a heap on the floor I am a prisoner in my glass box. If you can see me and hear me, please just love me even if sometimes you cant always reach me.
123. Permission comes from need, forgiveness comes from giving